Keeping Quiet and Short Term Goals

I like that I have some anonymity here. Sure, I’ve got close friends that read my blog, but they are inner circle people that I don’t mind a little soul spilling to. I’ve been in a funk this month and haven’t been faithful to diet and exercise. But I feel like now that visitors and memorials and other hard things are over, I can better refocus. I know that’s a common theme here and one of my setbacks.

This time I’m keeping quiet in real life. People know I try to eat healthy. People know that I need to lose weight and WANT to lose weight. In fact, there are ladies from my previous church who have seen me at THM meetings and while they whittle their waistline, they probably wonder why I’m not improving dramatically. And that’s when shame sets in. It’s a little bit of progress comparison but mostly realizing that I’m the one that effs things up because I don’t stay focused. From the pinterest posts and fitness memes that shout YOU HAVE NO EXCUSES, to jaw dropping before and after pictures on my THM page, I feel a bit bombarded. In my head, even though they’re positive pictures, they translate to ‘YOU KEEP FAILING YOURSELF and LOOK WHERE YOU COULD BE NOW.’

So mum is the word. No one needs to know what I’m doing because they don’t understand my struggle. And I don’t need positive posts that end up tasting sour in my mouth. I’m letting my diet group go dark and keeping away from fitness posts. I’m not going to talk about weight loss journey with others for a while. I’m just going to push myself and go lalalalalala when I see some crazy 50 lb loss in 6 months or hear my mom blabber on about some new breakthrough weight loss research. I just need to listen to me.

I did something I’ve never done before – I succumbed to weight fear and paid an extra $80 to upgrade my airline seats for a trip. I was fearful, literally, fearful, that I wouldn’t fit. I thought about the shame of being told I’d need to buy another seat and how it would melt away all the self-confidence I’ve worked on building. I’m fearful because I know I’m that big. I’m the end-of-the-airline-seatbelt big. I’m hold-my-shoulders-in-so-the-flight attendant-doesn’t-bump-into-me big. Since I’m flying on a budget airline with smaller everything, I just couldn’t risk smaller than industry standard seats.

So now I have a 2 month goal. I have something to look forward to and fight for.  Sure, I still have upgraded seats, but I’m determined not to feel like I’m spilling out of it with what little time I have to work towards it. The upgraded seats are only 2″ wider. It’s not going to make a huge difference. But, I can work on toning my flabby body to help. And I can eat good on plan foods that will dramatically improve any bloat or water retention I’d have otherwise from bad eating. And feel good from diet and exercise, I can use that energy to play with my nephews and not sweat the homemade meals my friend makes that do not fit my diet.

Ideally, I’d like to aim for a 15-25 lb loss and hit the gym 5x a week until my flight. I won’t say anything outside of here though. I’ll just push myself and hope results speak for themselves one day. The race I’m helping with is late April, and I figure that even though I’m not running, since I’m helping with the event, it would be great to show up with lots of energy and endurance for a full day of running around and interacting with people who run and are fit. It’s like an armor of confidence I can wear knowing I’m working hard at my goals even though I’m not where I want to be yet.

Let’s see how far I can go. Let’s see where I am in late May from pushing myself and listening to myself.

Heavier Than Ever. Literally.

scale

This has been a rough end of the year. I’ve had many good things come out of it and can’t say there hasn’t been happy times, but overall? Rough.

Moving.
New Commitments.
Depression and Anxiety.

I can’t use these things as excuses, but I can say they’ve played a part.

I have a big confession.

I’m the heaviest weight I’ve ever been my whole life. And I’ve given into emotional eating the last few months.

I’ve got to change. And not half-heartedly. This is an all time high for weight and emotionally an all time self-esteem low.

I got invited to a 10 week challenge and I can’t even do it. I can’t take a picture of my weight where it is. Even if it’s only that person knowing where I started.

I need to sit down with my household and let them know I can’t keep going on like this. I need their encouragement and accountability.  I need to schedule time to make food on the weekends and during the week. I need to define a workout schedule too.  And I need to be true to my desires and ACT on exercise and eating right rather than just acknowledging it.

First Ideal Goal: 28 pounds by my birthday in February.

That gives me 7 weeks. That means 4 pounds a week. Probably not ideal for long term loss as the aim should be 2ish pounds a week and I lose slow anyway. But I know I have some holiday and carb weight that should drop fairly easily (about 10 pounds) and will figure a tapering after that.

I don’t want to seem like a hypocrite. I don’t want to share health advice and seem like I’m doing great when I’m not. But I do know better and need to follow what I know is good for me.

Weight Discrimination…from Both Sides.

Opinions from outside:

A lovely lady whom I look up to for her natural health knowledge wrote a beautiful article about weight discrimination happening to someone they love. It was really dear to my heart because it is written so thoroughly and from an outside perspective.

Opinions from Inside:

Yesterday I was at a bachelorette party and realized that while I’ve worked very hard at accepting myself and having body peace, I was still being critical of self. The rest of the girls at the party were typical sizes and I was the only plus size girl. I wore black slacks and a fun top and ruched jacket over it while everyone else had modest mid thigh black dresses and showed a little leg. First, I felt bad that I might have been underdressed, and two, I didn’t have the fancy heels and club-type apparel like the rest of them. I even spent an unnecessary 10 minutes debating what covered my arms best and realized I shouldn’t have felt ashamed to hide them.

We all carpooled, 5 of us total, in one car. And that’s where my self-discrimination started setting in. I panicked for a second wondering if they’d make me sit up front because I’m biggest or if people would complain if I was sitting in the back.

“Bride to be in the front!” The driver called out. She deserved the front passenger seat and they didn’t even think twice about her being up front.

I took a deep breath and slid in the back and tried to pretend I could take up less space. Nobody complained on the ride to our destination or on the way back home. Nobody called out my black slacks instead of dress. Nobody questioned my kitten heels when everyone else had stilettos. They treated me kindly. I was my worst offender.

Sometimes we are the worst discriminator. We make our weight a big deal when it’s not. I know this is something I need to work on. Yes, I am conscious that I take up more space, but I shouldn’t make it a bigger deal than it is. I rob my own joy when I self-consciously think about myself as being fat when I should be enjoying my time around others.

When the night ended, I was grateful that nobody made my size a big deal, and that I needed to worry about it less. I should reinvest those thoughts into encouraging reasons to exercise and eat right, if anything. And in hindsight, I wore kitten heels because I knew they’d be cute but comfortable with my top, and WE DID do a lot of walking and standing. I would have hated myself if I wore anything taller. And, I wanted to wear pants because I wasn’t in the mood to wear a dress. So, lesson learned. Be content of self. Have a good time. Don’t fret the details. Be grateful for people who see you as a person, not a large person, and treat you like everyone else. 🙂

First hurdles – 10 pounds gone

I’d like to pretend losing the first 10 pounds is a big deal, but while 10 pounds may be half, or a quarter even, of someone’s goal, 10 pounds is a measly tenth of mine and if I’m completely honest, I’d say I have more than that to ideally lose.

10 pounds is about all I lose when I try, and so instead of feeling accomplished, I feel trepidation and worry that’s as far as I’ll get. That’s where I cap off…that’s where my focus strays as the pounds get harder to peel off.

So, I’m scared. But I’m confident even though I worry. Instead of seeing a long line of hurdles ahead of me, I’m going to see myself as a person jumping each hurdle ten pounds lighter at a time…I can do this, and each time, there’s less of me going forward.

I’m ready to prepare for leap number two. I’m ready to stop feeling stuck. The truth is I’m comfortable with my body but my health is showing me that I’ve reached a point I can’t handle. I’ve had more breathing problems as of late and know dropping as little as 25 pounds might make a big difference. Can I get past the next hurdle and halfway to third for better blood pressure and breathing? I’m going to try…

Being Obese at an Age of “Good Metabolism”

I was an overweight kid, fat teen, and am an obese adult. I won’t sugarcoat my condition with “nicer” terms. Weight has been a struggle all of my life. I believe it’s a combination of things: hereditary (thanks, Dad!), poor exercise habits, a penchant for sweets, and underlying health issues. I’ve always eaten healthy – let’s be clear on that. My parents made sure to incorporate copious amounts of veggies in each meal and they were balanced. I had a tendency to overeat meals I really enjoyed, while other times I ate a very reasonable portion. We did not bake cookies and keep sweets around the house nor did I get processed snacks in my lunchbox. We hardly ever ate out.

As a working teen, I had the money and ability to drive myself around and eat/buy junk. Sugary coffee drinks and smoothies became a popular way of hanging out and catching up with friends. In college, starving student me sometimes cut corners and picked fries and a burger over the salad at the student cafe because frankly, I wanted to stay full and a burger+fry combo was $4.50 and a salad was $7.00. Add to that many sleepless nights attributed to projects and studying, and you have obese Laura.

What I didn’t understand as tween and teen was that the sluggishness I felt and intolerance for cold were tell-tale signs of a thyroid condition. It wasn’t until 20 that I was officially tested and found out I had hypothyroidism. That was the missing piece to the weight condition puzzle. Beyond weight, I need help with function to help my body work better. I was on medication for a few years and got to a point where my thyroid levels were about right. It’s been two years since I needed medication, but I feel signs that it is low again, so I will be testing my levels again.

This is my story. I understand that maybe Erica grew up getting McDonalds every day after school, also couldn’t care less about exercise, and enjoyed sugary drinks like me and made it into adulthood with a svelte figure. We’re built differently. I possibly even ate much better than her and more nutritiously, but we still have a 100 pound difference between us.

It’s rough having to be more conscious about your body at an age where many of your peers are able to eat whatever they want and don’t need to focus on weight loss. It’s rough when ads for your age group are for stores you don’t fit, and styles don’t flatter your body type. Sometimes it feels unfair knowing that having a burger and fries will affect my weight more than my friends. But I get it – I get that we are all different. I get that being conscious now means I will be making better body choices now as a quarter-lifer that hopefully save me from health problems midlife.

I’m glad that there is a plus size movement encouraging overweight women to be comfortable with who they are at their size. I have been grateful for the stores selling plus size fashion so I can wear flattering styles like my peers. I’m happy that people are taking a message of body positivity – to be happy being you at any size. And while certain bloggers and exercise gurus are wagging their fingers at a movement that encourages acceptance of an unhealthy weight, remember that I was eating chicken and broccoli while Erica was piling her plate with pasta. We each have a journey of health. Mine is losing weight and continuing to better portion and find what works for my body while maybe Erica’s is incorporating a more balanced plate but not needing any portion restrictions. I’m finding a new confidence in myself as I own who I am and see myself as more than just my weight. I’m making better food choices, making most of my meals at home, trying out new exercise techniques, and more committed to self-improvement as a whole.