Large Purchase Item and General Apathy

I’ve been feeling a lot of general apathy lately. I go from 0 to 100, nearly bawling my eyes out when thinking or doing something for a cause or person I really care about to not feeling anything when my brain says “Hey, this should make you smile.” “Hey, this should be fun.”

Life is super mundane right now. Unfortunately, most of my excitement is coming from food and that’s non-diet friendly stuff too. I need to refocus badly so I’m sobering up my routine March 1st.

I don’t want to place all my eggs in a happiness basket but I think I’m due for a vacation soon. Something to shake up my surroundings. I have a very fun day planned in March and I just keep telling myself to chug along and grasp on to little tidbits of rest in the meantime.

I’ve been very observant of spending lately because I have a large purchase to make. My mac is a fossil in tech years and it’s becoming more apparent that, to my chagrin, my 9 year old laptop isn’t cutting it anymore. I wouldn’t be so hesitant if the price tag on a new Macbook Pro wasn’t $3,000 for what I need it to do as a designer. Or if I hadn’t have spent thousands on trying to figure out my (still unresolved) health ailment.

One of the things that bothers me is that while I am blood clot and circulation issue free (thousand of dollars later, I’ve got that at least) is that I might put myself at a bigger risk for a clot flying now that I’m dealing with edema. That means no long flights or road trips when I’m craving one so badly. :-/

Christmas Bells

I heard the bells on Christmas Day
Their old, familiar carols play,
And wild and sweet
The words repeat
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

And thought how, as the day had come,
The belfries of all Christendom
Had rolled along
The unbroken song
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

Till, ringing, singing on its way,
The world revolved from night to day,
A voice, a chime,
A chant sublime
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

Then from each black, accursed mouth
The cannon thundered in the South,
And with the sound
The carols drowned
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

It was as if an earthquake rent
The hearth-stones of a continent,
And made forlorn
The households born
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

And in despair I bowed my head;
“There is no peace on earth,” I said:
“For hate is strong,
And mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!”

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
“God is not dead; nor doth he sleep!
The Wrong shall fail,
The Right prevail,
With peace on earth, good-will to men!”

-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

The Ups and Downs

My brother confided in me earlier this month that the specialist firmly suspects the state of his concussion is now solidly out of PCS (post concussion syndrome) and now more firmly planted in a brain injury. This means instead of the 6 month timeframe, his injuries could last time a year or more still, or certain elements may be permanent. You can see how this news was carefully considered before he could break it to my parents. Today he is making the most of things and interviewing for a spot in a PT program. It was a rare opening and we are praying things go well despite his brain injury. The plus is that he got a much sought after but hardly given interview, the downside is that he has so much to figure out even if the interview goes well. I am SO PROUD of him.

The upside of my health scare was that blood tests and an ultrasound ruled out DVT, heart, liver, and kidney scares. I figured I could live with some foot and leg swelling and never wearing nice shoes again. Then downside, about two or so weeks ago, any type of sock made my swelling much worse and restricted circulation to my ankle area. And on my good leg, a red tender bruise/rash appeared and swelling followed. I went to urgent care and while the appointment was rather useless, they ruled out any kind of topical infection or cellulitis on the rash/bruise but advised I get an ultrasound of my left leg now too.

My mom asked me to a take a picture of an infection happening in her gums so she could show her dentist. Two years later and they’re still messing with her teeth as they’ve failed to provide the implant results they guaranteed her. She has dealt with drills and fittings and people tinkering inside her mouth for so long that it infuriates me.

It’s been a crazy time for our family but I’m glad we’re close and able to encourage each other through all the ups and downs.

Showing Mercy While Emotionally Wounded

Yesterday was an emotional stretcher for me. I can’t say I did amazingly under the weight of my emotions, but I can say despite some tears, I learned to practice mercy a little better.

Because my brother is still suffering from his concussion, things are kind of planned last minute to see how he’s doing. It wasn’t until 8pm or so Saturday that he and my SIL confirmed they would be coming over on Sunday to celebrate our Mom’s birthday and have lunch. My dad and I mutually agreed that if we were dining at home, Mom wasn’t allowed to make her own meal. So, I offered to make everything. Because it was so last minute, I elected to stay home from church and watch the live stream online while I got everything prepared. Yes, admittedly, it was a little overwhelming. I was making food for 5, picking up a cake and ice cream, and tidying up all by myself in a few hours.

I purposefully didn’t rush too much while I was listening to the live stream. Just because I was working on some cooking didn’t mean I wasn’t wholeheartedly listening. As soon as it finished though, it was a race for the clock. I had most things ready and tidied and went to get ready. In that time my parents got home and from another room I heard my dad going “What’s this? Where do I put that?” I think, “Oh no, they’re moving stuff around.” When my dad moves things, you most likely will take forever finding it. He doesn’t ask and doesn’t tell where things are going. So I rushed out and asked him what he was talking about and to let me handle it.

My mom caught some stress in the tone of my voice and responded rashly. She muttered something along the lines of not bothering to do anything for her again and walked off to her room. She keeps on muttering and I tell her I just wanted to handle things and not have my dad mess with it. She ends up telling me something terrible:

“You should have kept your priorities straight and gone to church today. Your heart is in the wrong place and I don’t want you to do anything for me again.”

I tell her I’m sorry if I came off scattered but I am handling everything and she mutters more stuff. I finish getting ready to head to the store and start crying because it really hurt me, especially since my intentions were good and now it didn’t matter. Still, I opened the door and drove to the grocery store.

I walked through Vons swatting tears as they rolled down and slowly picked up a birthday cake and ice cream. I thought about how upset with her I wanted to be, how wounded her words made me, and here I am picking up a cake and ice cream.

I took as much time as I could so my brother and his family would be home at roughly the same time. My mom of course changed her tune as soon as she saw my nephew.

I put the cake and ice cream away, snuck off and composed myself for five minutes, and then carried on with the celebration even though my heart was burdened and heavy.

She never said sorry. I never brought it back up. It still hurt. But I knew mercy was the right choice.

The irony? My pastor’s message that morning was about how during the holidays people may hurt you or be hard to deal with and living out peace.

Concert Vibes: The Dear Hunter & Eisley

It’s been a while since I’ve gone to a concert! I love living near a big music scene where I know most bands I love will hit on their tour.

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LACMA is practically my art home away from home, and I was surprised to find out  how close in proximity the El Rey Theater is to my art stomping grounds. I’ve been to the El Rey before, how did I not know this?!

My friend J is now a nurse at a children’s hospital and since she moved about 2 hours away, this was the first time I really got to hang out with her and catch up on life. She got to explore the La Brea Tar Pit area as she waited for me to navigate through the heavy traffic. We grabbed dinner at a fantastic burger place and chatted away until the concert was about to start. A four minute walk later, and voila!

This was first time seeing The Dear Hunter live and my second time enjoying Eisley. I tried to give J a rundown of the acts and the the story in TDH’s music, and it sounds like a crazy soap opera when you put it in a nutshell. Haha.

The Dear Hunter played a great set: everyone in the crowd cheered as they heard the first few seconds of instrumental and knew another favorite was about to play.

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My new Eisley gear! I was worried the t-shirt wouldn’t fit as they only carried small and large, but it fits like a glove since it’s a unisex slim fit. How gorgeous is that design? I sent my boyfriend this pic and he said, “It’s you!” 😉

Seeing Eisley this time was quite different now that Chauntelle and Stacy have moved on to pursue their own music, but it was magical all the same.

I’m not sure if there were issues with the audio. It seemed like the instruments were a little overpowering and Sherri’s mic wasn’t as loud as it needed to be, but they rocked it. I was ecstatic to hear Golly Sandra and Smarter in their set. Sherri is my band spirit animal. I love her sense of wonder and whimsy and that she also draws and doodles. She proudly brought up her hubby and two daughters and thanked the crowd for letting her be a touring mom who gets to do what she loves. ❤

They announced they’ll be releasing new music and touring LA around February. Guess what I’ll be adding to my birthday list?

Glorifying Obesity?

Today my post is to share an empowering video by Anna. I’ve followed her YouTube channel for a little while now and love that I can see her fashion hauls and picture them on me. She is a different body type than I, but is closer in size than the models for Torrid, etc. Her sunshine-y personality is hard not to love, and she has amazing yoga videos that make me feel able to do anything at my size.

This video is technically a personal response to someone who accused her of glorifying obesity but is also so empowering and shares how I feel:

Refocus: Willing and Able

I’ve been harsh on my body lately. Despite many efforts to lose weight recently I haven’t [in fact, I’ve put on a few]. Some of it is from negligence, dealing with trials, and being medically advised to not participate in vigorous exercise until a blood clot was ruled out [which it has, praise God]. And then I went to a theme park and didn’t fit the newest rides and again had to work myself into body image homeostasis again.

 I love and accept my body the best that I can, with a healthy knowledge that aiming for a lower weight is ideal for my health and wellness. 

That’s a hard struggle right there. On one hand, I’m supposed to be content with who I am and on the other hand, I’m supposed to be dissatisfied enough to make changes to who I am. Ideally, I should be able to sort out that intrinsically I am the same person despite weight or appearance, but it’s not quite that easy either.

It’s not the same me when I know I turn down certain activities right now because I feel too fat to join (long hikes, yoga, swimsuit-wearing, bust a dance move)

It’s not the same when I’m constantly fearful of airplane buckles, taking up too much space on a bench, or squeezing through tight rows of tables in a restaurant.

It’s not the same when I edit how I express myself because certain styles hide problem areas better.

In many ways, despite clinging to body positivity, I do feel limited if I’m honest. So, it’s time to reinforce what my body is able to do; right now, at this weight, at this time.

I am loved and able to love (platonically and romantically).

I am powerful. I love the strength I have and plan to work out and keep it. 

I am deserving of respect and dignity. No one can compromise that.

I am able to carry this body and walk and not grow tired. 

I am able to embrace my curves and be fashionable. 

I am able to look in the mirror and smile. 

I am able to try harder at weight loss and fitness. 

I am able to make an impact in the world around me. 

I am able to ground myself when negative body thoughts enter my mind. 

I am able to look back and see progress even if others can’t.

I am able to consider my choices and if they fit my path.

I am willing and able to pursue my goals.

I have and will fall short time to time but it’s time to kick butt again.

Too Fat to Ride

Talk about an amazing extended weekend staycation, and I got to do it with one of my best friends. I got eight hours of sleep multiple nights in a row, several coffee and chit chat trips with H, and we got a theme park and beach day in. It was amazing!

Living near Universal Studios and Disneyland, it’s always fun planning a theme park day especially when new attractions come out. H and a group of mutual friends and I were highly anticipating the brand new Harry Potter World addition in Universal Studios. I had turned down several invites throughout the year because it meant a lot to me that I go with this group of awesome ladies. And I’m glad I waited, because we all experienced the magic together for the first time. Every detail was considered and it really looked like you were transplanted to Hogsmead. That’s why one detail bothered me even more…

I can’t do coasters. The most I can stomach and often lands me with a headache is Space Mountain. Anything beyond that caliber means trouble. That’s why I did my due diligence and looked up the new HP World ride reviews on Yelp and videos on YouTube. As I preview Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey, I notice an interesting video in my recommended panel. It had to do with not fitting. The lady in the video sat in a test seat and tried several times to pull the chest holster over and get a green light. It never lit. And my stomach sank as she said she is a size 18/20.

I’m a size 18/20.

I asked about ride intensity on one of my social media accounts, and again, someone commented on the confining seats.

I may be too fat to fit.

Now, instead of worrying about speed and intensity of the ride, I was afraid my 5’5 size 18/20 body would disqualify me from the fun.

I confided with H before the trip my fears before we went. I needed to let her no that no matter the outcome, I didn’t want anyone to feel bad or not ride on my behalf. As we entered the line, a Universal Studios staff member pulled us aside. He didn’t address anyone’s weight. He didn’t single out the overweight people in my party. He merely asked if it was our group’s first time on the ride and if we knew we’d fit comfortably.

Person by person, we tested the ride and the green light lit for our party.

For everyone but me.

I was too fat.

So many thoughts raced through my head and I chased them away before they could fester. Gathering the confidence I had left, I tried to stay positive and offer to hold my friends’ bags and see that as a bright side. Avoiding ride lockers is always a plus. The staff member was kind enough to let me try again and have a friend push down to see. No green light.

In a way it was hard. I wasn’t the only overweight person in the group, but I’m most definitely the heaviest. My taller and more apple-shaped friend fit just fine, and my shorter curvy all over friend did too. I can’t tell if my really thick thighs or Size 40 E chest was the culprit behind the red light. But either way, I didn’t fit. The guy apologized and said for the inconvenience he would give us a password to the front of the line. Which was awesome! I’m so glad we skipped an hour-long line. In no way was I singled out and I was so thankful. And I was happy the test seat was discreetly placed, and available so I wasn’t shamed as I hopped in an actual ride seat. One of the gals offered to stay behind with me and I wouldn’t have it. I thought it was so sweet, but I knew it would make me feel guilty and frustrated to have someone else miss on the fun because of me.

I sat in the child-switch area with all the bags and time flew by. I kept my mind occupied on the movie clips they had a tv screen. I stayed positive. We searched out the other HP world attraction and there was another test seat. This would just had a little seat bar. I thought, pretty much knew, I’d fit. I’m fat, but my butt fit it fair and square, but as I pulled the bar to my belly, it was my knees that hit.

Everyone else fit but me.

This is where it got difficult. I was prepared to not fit the first ride, but both?! What gives?! I tried to stay positive but this time, it was a full on war in my head. I was going to miss both the rides I’ve anticipated for half a year because I was too fat. Not only was I fat, I was shaped in a way that didn’t help me for either ride.

I want to disclaim that I’ve never felt entitled to anything or any accommodations because of my weight. I’m over 250 pounds and I know 250 is kind of where places draw the line. But at the same time, I felt like Universal Studios Hollywood did not care about my worth. I was too fat, too small of a percentage, for them to give two shakes about. And that made me feel awful. I fit ALL THEIR OTHER RIDES, I don’t require a seat belt extender in an airplane seat, but I couldn’t fit their new rides. How come their larger riders weren’t considered in the grand scheme of things? Why did I fit all their other rides and not these? Obviously the test seats alluded that many other riders would be facing my reality too.

I also felt it personally. I felt like I finally hit that “fat” where I am truly handicapped from certain activities. I can bend, I can walk long distances, I can carry myself with dignity, I can run miles at the gym, but I couldn’t fit these damn rides. Lots of ultimatums raced in my head.

“I have a season pass, I’ll starve myself until I fit.”

“I’ll use this shameful moment to GUILT myself until I’m smaller.”

“Look at my random health issue and this now. It means I need to do something EXTREME before it’s too late.”

These are horrible thoughts, and I’m ashamed to admit them, but they did reside in my head for the first half of the day.

I’m that fat. The kind that now holds me back. And that hurt. And it made me upset that even if I dropped a ton of weight, my boyfriend and other overweight friends would have to go through what I felt. That made me really angry.

We went on the tram ride, I got to excitedly share my favorite ride, Transformers, with our group, and I happily walked ahead of the group many times without needing my inhaler or huffing and puffing. Even with my edema, I gliding down stairs and walking fast.

I wasn’t a handicap, I am able-bodied! I tried to remind myself of how well my body was carrying me throughout the day. We were there until nightfall and I never ran out of breath or asked to take a break because I was tired. I might of failed a couple rides, but as a whole I was doing okay.

In the end, I was grateful for the caring and considerate group of friends who supported me and that I got to spend the whole day with. The fat factor will always sting, but I have to remind myself I am still able-bodied and valued, even if a couple theme park attractions disagree.

Lots of Happy in the Crazy

First of all, the ultrasound results are back and I DO NOT have a blood clot! Thank God! That in itself is worthy of a happy dance. I’m still experiencing swelling and waiting on blood test results, so I’m not in the clear, but I’m thankful to know it’s not DVT. Now I can get back to my gym routine (can I call it that yet if it’s still becoming a habit?) and check out all the new stuff at Universal Studios when my bestie H is in town.

Speaking of which, my best friend flies in this coming Thursday. I am so excited! It’s an almost annual trip and one of the highlights of my year. In past trips we’ve planned daycations and whatnot but this year is a little more relaxed. I’m looking forward to Coffee Bean trips, perhaps some beach time, and lots of catching up in person.

Last night my brother sent the cutest Kai pic ever from his newborn photoshoot and announced that he is finally up to birth weight and even a little heavier. It’s been a long few weeks for my SIL with cluster feeding and all that jazz. To help Kai with his weight gain, no one’s been allowed to hold him so he can sync with scents to Mom and Dad and work on hunger cues. The extended family has been waiting anxiously to get to hold the little guy and fingers crossed that happens soon.

Another silver lining that makes me incredibly happy is the new Amazon Prime Reading! Now I can view magazines and many popular books for free. Prime is the best thing ever. 2-day free shipping. Previewing music when new albums are released. No longer standing in the post office to pay $17 to flat ship gifts. I’m loving it. And now books.

Some of the madness includes waiting impatiently for blood test results, getting the house in order for a one month celebration in the span of a week, and selling a bunch of my furniture before said party happens. I’m so thankful for the happy parts that help tame the crazy. Life is a compilation of highs and lows but I’m so happy to be alive.

But If Not, He is Still Good

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So there’s a lot happening right now.
It’s a grab bag of happy and not-so-happy things.

I’ve been dealing with edema on one side of my leg for nearly a month. The crazy thing is this could point to really crazy things like kidney/heart issues or a blood clot. Or it could be nothing. I’m taking it seriously and spent last week and today getting some tests done to rule out things like deep vein thrombosis.

Friday afternoon, I somewhat grudgingly coughed up a couple hundred dollars to get an ultrasound done of my leg. I couldn’t see the screen or understand what the beeps and sounds meant as the medical staff moved their wand all around my leg. In that moment I felt a bit helpless and scared. I closed my eyes and prayed and tried to acknowledge to God I knew he was in control and if there was something there (like a blood clot) that it was His will for me and I’d accept that. More like I prayed that several times until my mind and heart were at the same place.

Today I woke up extra early to get a blood panel drawn to help rule other things out. I was there an hour before work started. Did I get done in time to clock in at start time? Nope. One hour and a half. That’s how long it took to get my blood drawn. And with a baby needle.

But I emailed HR from the waiting room and told them my situation and they said do not worry. Just like when a simple doctor visit last week turned into needing more time off for imaging. They have been so understanding. God is helping me in the details.

My brother is still suffering from his brain injury.
My newborn nephew is still needing to gain weight to get back to his birth weight.
My SIL is dealing with healing from birth, a newborn, and a husband with a brain injury.
And who knows what my health issue is.

One of my old church acquaintance’s husband is dealing with cancer right now. He went to the doctor to discuss migraines and found out it was much more than a migraine and is now in treatment for cancer. They have a friend who made bracelets to help raise some money and remind people to pray for him and the family. On it is stamped, “But if not He is still good.” It is not a direct phrase from scripture but is a coined rephrasing from a passage in Daniel.

Last night I picked up that bracelet I bought and meditated on the words and also prayed for them. Do I believe those words? I’m learning to. I’m learning to say despite circumstances, I can see He is still good. That His plans may not make sense to me. But I can trust and acknowledge His goodness even in hard times. Even in the if nots.