The Silence is Dumbing

There are days where I clock in and clock out and in those 8 hours have never spoken a word.

There are days where the only dialogue I get outside of my house is the total charged for my groceries.

There are days I spill my guts through texts and emails because that’s the only outlet I have.

I feel like my conversational skills have atrophied and when I open my mouth, I am clueless on how to share what I’m thinking or don’t even know what to say. As my mouth moves, my brain cringes at the vomit I half-heartedly conjured.

I feel like sometimes I disregard my feelings because it’s too hard to accurately portray them. Or I don’t sufficiently give my cause. And I hate that, because those are the only swords I have that convey mental capacity and tenacity.

I feel like my vocabulary and thoughts only work on paper or typed out from a keyboard.

One of the compliments I have often genuinely received from others is that I’m a good listener. I wish I could equally project myself and cultivate my speaking ability to match my propensity to listen.

I do enjoy listening. But I also want to be heard.

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“We Did It Again!”

Home Alone 2 was a staple in my home growing up. If I had to describe my dad’s favorite movies to you growing up it would be “Christmas movies and James Bond.” I’m pretty sure the James Bond part is out the window now, especially as the R rating becomes more scandalous in nature, and it is now “Christmas Movies and Netflix War Documentaries and the occasional reality series about something boring like Ice Road Drivers.”

All that to say, the infamous line of Home Alone 2 is “We did it again!” Kevin’s parents look at each other in distress and mirror each other’s words in bewilderment.

I’m kind of there, but in a different way. And I think anyone not living up to their goals/NYR might be feeling the same. Sometimes we’re creatures of habit or find ourselves repeating things we wish we didn’t.

For me that is being too busy.

I grew up in a very close knit church. It was kind of expected that you were heavily involved and helped out. I love being a part of ministry. But now I don’t feel compelled to volunteer out of guilt or because I’m afraid no one else will step up. That being said, maybe I still feel compulsive sometimes. I can carve out an hour for X can’t I?  [The answer is no, Laura!]

I also hid myself in academics growing up because I was awkward and felt that if I couldn’t keep a conversation or make friends easily at least I could use facts and mental capacity to help. This mostly meant someone with average or slightly better than average tried to get straight A’s because I’m no genius. And it stopped working after college anyway. But there is still this echo of needing to better myself mentally or build new skills. Sometimes healthy, sometimes consuming.

Anyways. Being busy is how I defined myself for years. It’s something hard for me to shake. And now as January wraps up I can see things heaping up in my arms already.

I’m not sure what balance looks like but this week was

Mon – Date night
Tues – Bible Study
Wed – Seminar
Thurs – Non-profit Meeting/ Non prof work
Fri – Art Lesson

I think the earliest I got home/relaxed any of those nights was 8:30pm. And that’s after putting in 8+ hours at my job. This is why I might be kinda nuts.

It wouldn’t be so bad if I was super organized, but I’m not there yet. My Wednesdays will open up after the series of seminars is over, but I know I’ll be craving something to fill the spot. And that’s why I need to tell myself to calm down.

I’m looking at this super full week and how I feel right now and how this is too much and filing it for when I get a crazy notion that I need to do more. Finding balance is taking me a while.

Double Whammy: When good times and bad times share the same date.

This Sunday was Josh and my dating anniversary. It was also my Uncle Norman’s birthday. His first one since he passed last year. Of course it doesn’t mean anything to him anymore in heaven, but to his family and friends that are still here? I miss him and know my aunt is going through a rough patch right now as she is coping. Yesterday was pouring rain and she didn’t even make it to church. She was home alone on a gloomy weather day, mourning her husband. That got me as I empathized with her. Josh took me to a yummy restaurant for dinner that evening and ended the night with a surprise movie date where it was just us, a big screen, and a pint of ice cream to share between the two of us. There were feelings of great sadness and great happiness yesterday.

Last year on my birthday I had one of the hardest birthdays I’ve ever had to face. Josh had just surprised me and taken me out to lunch on my lunch break and dropped me back at work. The phone rang about 30 minutes later and my brother informed me if I wanted to say goodbye to my uncle I better go to the hospital now. I cried so much throughout that day. And I was there, emotionally distraught, until the wee hours of the next morning when my Uncle drew his last gasping breath. I am wholeheartedly thankful for that opportunity. To bond even deeper with my cousins and aunt and my family as we drew strength from each other to make it through this very hard goodbye. To let my Uncle know, however lucid he was, that all of us were there. But I know without a doubt that my birthday this year will be hard to celebrate. It’s also marks my last year of being in my 20’s. And it’s a sad reminder that I have no close local friends to celebrate it with. My closest friends are scattered hours or days drives away from me.

I probably sound like I’m throwing myself a big pity party, but really, I am just a deeply emotional person conflicted by the happiness and sadness of life contrasted by loss.

Regret on Repeat

This year so far has gone very well for mental health and well being. I feel balanced, positive, and have been good as far as being present and taking things one day at a time. Last Friday, however, I felt like I blew it.

Work has been a bit awkward lately as we tackle extra projects and everyone is waist-deep in their work. This meant less communication and a monthly meeting being delayed for nearly two months. In that period of time, I did my best to seek out and persistently take on what I could but communication was more minimal that usual. I kept telling myself this next meeting I’d finally get everything straight.

The meeting came around, my portion was rushed in about 10 minutes, and the flurry of other information caught me off guard. Anxiety crept up and I realized but couldn’t control the onslaught of nervous and not-nearly-effective questions I contributed and I felt compulsive and incompetent for the group discussion. It was just not a good meeting. In the end the moderator asked if next group some of us felt comfortable leaving figures in a small sector’s hands and I hastily volunteered to sit that meeting out. I felt like I made such a mess.

That night my head spun and the feelings of regret and replays of the meeting flooded my head. It took a lot of effort to finally fall asleep. You win some, you lose some. I’m glad the next day was filled with fun at a theme park with cousins so I could destress.

What I couldn’t take into consideration  was that at that meeting, it was pointed out that the ads I designed were top scoring for the publication. And yes, that is a team effort to put together, but also equally my merit and design work as the graphic designer. I might have felt like a failure and even seemed awkward to my peers, but the proof is in the pudding that I am able to contribute to the company and our efforts.

This evening, now that my mind is clear, I think I’ll pour myself a big cup of coffee and untangle the emotions and try to come to terms with both the positives and negatives. The positives to encourage me, the negatives to mental prepare for how I can perform better next meeting.

Amazon Find: TableTote Plus

Remember when I found a desk that rolls over a bed and that was the perfect room solution for me? I’ve found another crazy awesome product. This one is more of a dorm room/college piece of furniture but since I need functional, multipurpose, and easy to fold down, this is perfect.

First of all, this isn’t sponsored or anything. This is just something I’m excited about. I didn’t get free product or paid to say all this. lol.

Folded up, it’s 11″ x 13″ x 1.5″ which is roughly a little larger than a binder. Here’s the package it came in. The shrink wrap warped the outside paper a bit but the product wasn’t harmed. You can kind of see on this that the legs and pieces store in the foam which becomes the underside of the table. You can see this is the “plus” edition which includes the cup holder and cellphone holder.
The standard version is $2 less.

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1. Slide the one side off (the left part you see in the next pic) and place and slide so it attaches to the top part.

2. Take the pieces from the underside that are housed in foam and build.

3. The telescoping legs adjust to several heights. The picture below is at the lowest height setting.

4. Voila!
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It also comes with a small telescoping wand that holds papers. Super handy. And the black tray slides so you can extend the space out a bit depending on what you’re doing.

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Image Credit: Tabletote Plus on Amazon

Here’s a standard piece of printer paper over the cover which is practically the compact size, on the fully built table.
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It’s pretty sturdy and tall enough to function as a nightstand and side table and bed tray since my overbed desk is not deep enough to hold a keyboard or graphic tablet. And if I need the space or want my room to look nice for company, I can store it on my bookshelf or on the side of my bed where it’s a gap for the legs of the overbed desk.

The cup holder is super useful. I can put a clean cup in it and use it to hold my tablet pen or art supplies, or use it to keep my water bottle/drink without stealing desk area. The phone holder is not really worthwhile and while it stashes a phone it doesn’t hold it very well. HOWEVER…since I’m using this as a night stand the foam in it is perfect for when I take off earrings and jewelry before bed and keeping them in place. Otherwise I find it’s rolled away when I turn off my phone alarm in the morning etc. So it has a purpose, I guess.

At less than $30 this wasn’t crazy expensive but it’s still not exactly cheap. I do think it’s fairly priced. I had an amazon gift card and I have prime, so I pretty much spent $8 out of pocket and for that I am very pleased!

Starting Off on the Right Foot

I feel like I have a firm grasp on this fresh year. It’s only in the recent year or two that I’ve been extra mindful and I can see areas of improvement from it.

I feel like a lot of the burden that’s lifted has to do with -stuff-. I’m still not at my aha! point but I’m getting there. In each category I’ve noted basic observations AND given myself a room to spend. This will help me narrow my wants and save up for specific items instead of impulse purchases and hoarding because of deals and clearance.

General Bedroom:

– It is most important in this current living situation for belongings to be functional.
– It is better to be functional/multipurpose than aesthetically pleasing or stylish.
– Well constructed but replaceable/donate-able furniture won’t tie me down.
– Furniture that folds up/breaks down to move is ideal when thinking longer term
– My room is a private place. It needs to only visually please me. This includes tidiness.
– Continually remind myself this isn’t a permanent living situation; stay minimal.
– Surround myself in things that bring me joy.

Room to spend: New window privacy clings/window treatment, secondary comforter that is thin enough to go in my washing machine and doesn’t require a trip to the laundromat

Books and Wardrobe:

– Mark a day each month to review and donate excess or reorganize
– Take advantage of Amazon Prime Book rentals/free items
– Get back to the library and checking out books
– Don’t buy hard copies unless they are keepers
– Work in magazines for self care wind downs and discard/donate ASAP
– Pare down to only black socks (because I’m too lazy to bleach white socks)
– Reduce spending on accessories/pare down cheapie accessories
– Actually wear the jewelry/accessories I love and treat them with care

Room to spend: Sterling silver jewelry at discount, affordable digital books, new clothes ONLY IF I lose enough weight or need to replace staple (like jeans)

Bathroom:

– No more value sized bottles that bore me before they’re used up
– Replace empties as needed. Don’t stock extras/multipacks if possible.
– Use up beauty products I have. Avoid beauty aisles in stores.
– Figure out holy grails and don’t stray
– I don’t enjoy makeup/styling. So stop spending/exploring like I do.

Room to spend: Quality skincare and lotion (only to replace used product)

Kitchen:

– Keep it to basics; this is a shared area I am reprimanded for
– Reduce bulk buys and stocking up
– Work to eliminate my pantry
– Simplify meals to require less ingredients
– Treat myself to on-plan meals out, but allocate in budget
– Use more frozen produce to supplement space/reduce waste
– Get into a habit of washing things as I meal prep

Room to spend: Dining out (no more than 2x/week), Unique ingredients to cook with *that day*, On plan snacks (limit options)

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Weight Loss Room to Saves (Rewards):

15 lbs – Beach or Hiking Day (~$15 for parking pass)
25 lbs – Foot Spa Massage (Basic Package) (~$25 + tip)
40 lbs – Facial  (~$50 + tip)
50 lbs – 2 New Outfits and Foot Spa Massage (Nicer Package) (~$150)
60 lbs – Nice Workout shoes (~$80)
70lbs – Fancy meal out (~$50)*
80 lbs – 2 New Outfits + 1 New Workout/Class (~$250)
90 lbs – Fancy meal out (~$50)*
100 – Disneyland or 3 Day Adventure (~$250-500)

* I know treating to food is usually a no-no but if I am past 50 lbs I’m pretty sure I have a better grasp on food and I don’t feel bad about rewarding with a special meal!

A Thank You

I don’t blog for the reach or to eventually earn some income with the traffic. I don’t even blog to keep people I know in real life in the loop (although some of my besties do read this, hello guys!) Is it weird that I kind of like a sense of anonymity?  My goal for blogging is to record what’s on my mind and heart and have a spot for reflection. I also hope to make a couple blog friends or people it can help along the way. I’ve noticed a couple of you regularly like something or comment when it is relatable/etc and that’s very encouraging to me. Thanks for following/frequenting/adding to my blog. I appreciate you! ❤

2016 was a heavy year, am I right? I feel like a majority of my posts were health/fitness related or heavy inner dialogue. Thanks for hanging in there through some pretentiousness and also some dark times. Thanks for encouraging me with your comments and posts on your own blog if we mutually follow each other.

I’ve had the privilege of drawing inspiration or expanding my thoughts on life through your blogs and sometimes I’ve just laughed at a fun memory or meme you’ve shared. Thank you for that.

Here’s to making some awesome blog entries in 2017. One that make us laugh together, cry together, reach out, and encourage us to grow.

Pottermore – Something Light for a Change

Here’s something light for a change: my nerdy side.

I am a big fan of art and literature and as immature as it may sound, I truly appreciate Young Adult fiction. Not because it suits my reading level (although it’s probably closer to it, ha!) but because it usually explores some really big themes in life that make me think outside the box and also carries an element of fun.

One of the series I truly enjoy is Harry Potter. I’ve got to admit I’m not as fanatical as my SIL but I still love it SO SO much. You can tell I’m not a fanatic because up until yesterday, I had not joined Pottermore.

When it first began it was by email invitation only and I felt like I wasn’t worthy? But I’ve always been oddly curious to see what house I’d be sorted into. In real life, I see a lot of my personality fall into Hufflepuff and Slytherin while my intentions lean more towards Ravenclaw.

Out of all the houses, I felt like Griffyndor least-suited me.

And of course, I’ve officially sorted into Griffyndor. I scratched my head a lot little and went on to take the Ilvermorny sorting and got Thunderbird. 2/2.

I was so confused. How could that be? And that’s when I thought of the dichotomy of perception vs. intention.

My perception of self is mostly Hufflepuff/Slytherin. However, if I honestly search myself, I am working/wanting many of the qualities of Gryffindor.

If I look far enough back, I can remember wanting to be something great as a kid, being a “fearless leader/instigator” as the eldest of the cousin pack on my mom’s side, and now as an adult, willing to sacrifice comfort/goods/wants for the greater good, and wanting to discover new things and my intrinsic craving for new experiences. The brave and devil-may-care attitude? Not so much. But in that hindsight, I can now pride myself as a Griffyndor.

It’s a good little tidbit for 2017, I think. This whole perception vs. intention. I think it will help me discover more about myself that I didn’t know but had assumed.

What house(s) were you sorted into and how do you identify with it? I am super curious!

NYR’s and PR’s

NYRs = New Year Resolutions
PRs= Personal Record

I had a wonderful Christmas and New Year! I’m feeling refreshed and ready to make the most of 2017. I’m also humbled and feel like my selfish desire to hide out for a week was wrong. I truly enjoyed the company of the relatives that came for Christmas and the relatives I saw in Arizona during my week off.

I ate horribly this holiday season. I didn’t really follow any guidelines for food or exercise and I sweet-ed myself out. All that to say when I was in AZ with my cousins and they were obsessing talking about logging calories into myfitnesspal, going to the gym religiously, and breaking all types of weight-lifting PRs, it made me feel super crummy. Some of the crummy I deserved to feel because I was making poor choices. But a lot of the crummy felt like shame, incompetence, and worthlessness — and I’m not okay with that.

They have all worked hard and I can’t discredit their efforts. I’m PROUD of them. I will say that they started out as healthy individuals of ideal weight and physical ability when they started so they didn’t have weight or health issues and were able to hit the ground running. Trying to compare myself with them isn’t fair. We have different goals even though we’re both working on our health.

We went out for a hike one of the days there and I needed to prove to my own self that I was capable. As we hiked (it was an easy trail, btw) I kept the lead most of the way up and down. Some of them weren’t wearing proper shoes or clothes, and I was in snug jeans, so none of us had ideal attire, but I pushed myself to keep ahead. It didn’t matter if they were casually hiking and I was putting in 110%, it mattered to me that I was able to keep up and feel good about what I was able to do. That hike dissolved a lot of the mucky feelings I was having and set my mind straight for 2017.

Here are my 2017 resolutions:

1. A healthy body, mind, and spirit. First and foremost.

Learning to rest/de-stress myself physically and mentally because I’m HORRIBLE at it. And leaning on Jesus. Also working on this body of mine, one day at a time, with new focus.

2. Working on patience instead frenzy, kindness instead of aggravation, and helpfulness instead of frustration. Especially with family members.

3. Minimizing belongings and unnecessary thoughts/feelings that cloud my outlook, rob my time, and prevent me from seeing my potential. Dwelling on/owning what truly brings me joy.

4. Being better friend. Finding new local friends organically.

5. Giving myself a heck of a lot more grace than I did in 2016. But also push myself harder with healthy motivators.

Happy New Year, everyone!