Category Archives: Life Musings

His Name is Kai

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I received a very happy call yesterday from my brother with the announcement of his son’s name! They have decided to name him Kai. He explained that picking a global name with many origins in different cultures was perfect as Kai has a rich and mixed heritage of Asian, European, and some Native American descent. Kai means ocean or sea. Coupled with his middle name [which means help], his namesake is “an ocean of God’s help.”

I didn’t put this together before, but he also told me that Kai was born exactly one month after the bad car accident, one that is still causing him trouble from his brain injury. He said in that period of time he really saw God’s help and help from others as they prepared for the little guy’s birth. I later told him that phonetically, it sounded very similar to the Khmer word for “month” which is also a beautiful testament to how something beautiful can happen despite hard circumstances with time and patience.

People thought N+R were so strange to go the “traditional route” and wait to find out the sex of the baby at birth. They were further flummoxed by the fact they hadn’t picked a name on his birth date. It’s interesting to think that the first thing we possess isn’t material and is given by others; that’s quite humbling. A name carries so much meaning, whether it is after a friend, relative, or icon or was picked for the meaning or because it felt meant to be.

Something else that is quite sentimental to me is that since N+R are currently renting the old family home, baby Kai’s room was my old nursery. And so another generation of our family plants their roots in that home. ❤

I Have a Nephew!

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First time official auntie here! My brother and sister-in-law welcomed their little boy into the world yesterday afternoon and the family couldn’t be happier.

It’s funny because while we aren’t superstitious people, we had so many fun coincidences to add to the birth story!

First of all, the great majority of people close to us felt the baby was a boy even though the Mom and Dad wanted a surprise and never found out. People just had their heart set on it. I think I secretly wished more for a niece only because I think older sisters are awesome *ahem I know from experience* ;). My dad said the most heart-pulling thing to me and I was more open to a boy after that. He never got to meet his grandfathers, and my brother and I never got to meet ours, so my dad is the first in a few generations to experience grandchildren in their lifetime. If that didn’t make your heart melt, he also said he wished to see a boy carry on the family name before the Lord takes him home one day. When he puts it that way, how can you not melt? My SIL’s mom also said a couple weeks ago she had a dream where she had a grandson with her and was introducing him to her friends.

Second of all, I had this weird feeling my SIL would go into labor either Saturday or Wednesday. I was telling everyone this random fact, and I felt this restlessness all Saturday hoping for N to call. For lunch on Saturday, my mom went to a Chinese restaurant and her fortune said, “Someone will call with good news for you today.” Late that evening, my brother called and told my mom that his wife was indeed in labor.

R had a very long labor but delivered naturally in a birthing tub in the comfort of their home. What a trooper! And my brother, who is still dealing with brain injury from the car accident pulled through to be at her side. He said Saturday night was extremely difficult — he was tired and suffering horrible migraines from straining himself but he powered through.

And to testify to God’s goodness, the baby weighed a little over 7 pounds, which is the maximum threshold of my brother’s allowance to lifting and carrying right now as he recovers, so God planned out this detail so he could hold his boy. N says that walking while carrying him requires a lot of concentration and is very difficult, but regardless, he was thankful for this blessing.

Life is good. ❤

Self Harm No Longer

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This blog post is really hard for me to talk about and admit, even though it’s probably been evident to people longer than it has to me because of location.

I grew up thinking self harm was inflicting horrible pain upon yourself or cutting your wrists. And I ignorantly thought that since I once attempted to cut my wrists with a knife and it scared me shitless that I didn’t self harm.

Except I have been for a majority of my life. And I’m publicly posting this as a commitment to stop.

Whenever I’m anxious, frustrated, or unable to cope with my feelings, the first thing I do is pick my arms. I will scratch with my nails until I draw blood or pinch my skin until it opens and then I will pick the scabs and not allow them to heal. Sometimes when I feel neck deep in anxiety the first sign is not how I feel (when I’m neck deep I don’t “see” it), but looking at my forearms. They will be spotted with red welts, dry flaking patches of dead skin tired of scabbing, and dark traces of where a wound has been.

Nobody has really talked to me about it. Maybe they didn’t know why or didn’t want to be rude.  I guess it may disguise itself to others looking like psoriasis that comes and goes. Or perhaps people thought they were bug bites I scratched until bleeding. But I know why.

The reason varies. Sometimes I feel nervous or overwhelmed and it gives me something to distract myself with. Sometimes I feel frustrated with myself or a situation and I feel relief with “punishing” myself. Sometimes I need to fidget and ground myself and that is what I resort to.

I cannot practice self care while still practicing self harm. I am consciously acknowledging that the pain and comfort of scabbing my arms is not acceptable and not the right response. I am forgiving myself instead of letting myself think I am despicable. I am translating that energy and relief into writing with mindfulness and fidgeting with jewelry or my fitbit.

I commit today to self harm no longer.

Nowhere Near

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Last night the volume in the house got a bit loud and heated. It was stupid, it was frustrating, and it was a situation where I just needed to get out. Given the fact it was nearly 11pm, I also didn’t have many options.

I drove slowly through neighborhoods hoping I didn’t look like I was thief scoping my next home to plunder. After a while, I parked in front of a home I was familiar with, but dared not disturb that acquaintance at that hour. Two teenage looking guys on bikes rode through the street and decided to pass awfully close to my car and I booked it out of my hiding spot.

As I went back to weaving through quiet sleeping cul-de-sacs, I realized in sadness that I DIDN’T HAVE a place to go. My boyfriend is a few towns away, and he would have been there in a heartbeat or let me come over, but I didn’t have a non-family member I could trust to bare my soul to and not hate me for crashing their place at 11pm.

I live in a good town. There is generally nothing to fear, and we are ranked one of the top safest places to raise a family. But when night falls, even our town tends to get shady. In the daytime we are family friendly residential and shopping spots, but at night you see what I assume is drug dealing and the like.

I’m longing to have that close friend again. One where I can plan weekend fun with, or chat over coffee with. I have some wonderful acquaintances here, but we just don’t fully mesh. I don’t know if I shoo people away without knowing it or if I’m just horrible at making really close friends? Either way, there’s an emptiness where a close friend should be, but I don’t know how or when that gaping hole will be filled.

I think one of the hardest parts of being a quarter-lifer is having so much change happening around you or to you. Those connections you built in your youth dissipate as people pursue careers, callings, and have families and move away.

I cling to my amazing friends states away, but sometimes, I just need someone near. An actual girl friend with a shoulder I don’t have to metaphorically lean on, because she’s right there.

One Last Hoorah

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I paused for a moment last week and thought about how blessed I am this year. If everything works out, I will see three of my closest friends that live far away.

I got to see B and her family in Arkansas.
I got to see N and her family before their long distance relocating to Connecticut.
I get to see H and our mutual friend A and have fun with them this fall.

And, hopefully, fingers crossed and heart longing, I will get to see M and his family in Massachusetts next year, and maybe make a pit stop in Connecticut to see N again.

My friend, N, just had her second child this April and I was sad that I probably wouldn’t get to meet the newest member of her family before their move from the pacific northwest to east coast. As a military family, they have been stretched so much with this moving process, and I can only imagine the difficulty of traveling across the country with a car loaded to the max, a mischievous cat, a preschooler, and 3 month old baby. They rented out their home, were ready to hit the road, and then her hubby was extended a week at their current location. Her husband never even got time off to help pack up the house, and they had to live in a hotel another week, cutting into their travel time.

Needless to say, when I found out in their crazy move they managed to plan a few days in California, I was ecstatic. I’m grateful that N and her Mom and siblings so graciously shared their limited time and let me come over and hang out with them all.

I love being honorary auntie to N’s kids and it’s so fun watching them grow. Her daughter is counting and picking up simple addition all on her own, and she is a riot to watch imaginative play as she makes the best sound effects and scenarios for her little figures and dolls. I’ve seen her go from forming basic phrases to chattering away. She’s going to be so smart and make friends easily when she gets to be school aged. The little one is the easiest baby ever, and coos more than any baby I’ve ever met. He is all smiles and so alert. He intently stares at intricate things and I think he might be attracted to art later and have an attention to detail like his Momma.

Our last hoorah included many laughs and hugs. “I’m only a couple hours from Boston and New York!,” she teased, “and we have a lot of shopping and exploring to do when you visit!”

Being Still

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Life has been pretty quiet as of late, and it’s wonderful. I’ve got some fun things on the horizon (helping my family redecorate the living room, planning a baby shower for my sister in law, working on more KonMari) but nothing particularly stressful.

I live with bouts of high functioning anxiety and before I really paused to identify and address it, I just thought I was busy and that being busy was good. Busy meant I was purposeful. Busy meant I wasn’t lazy. Busy meant I had worth to others because I was helping. I now know that being busy 24/7 is a mess for my body, and that my thyroid issues of the past were in part to lack of sleep and the stress of busying through life. I also know that my worth has NOTHING to do with human opinion. And retrospectively, duh, God patterned a day of rest for us. It is good to rest and be still.

I currently don’t have any real commitments besides church ministry and going to my art lessons on Friday. My schedule is wide open and it’s weird. I won’t have much to do with the non profit until the beginning of next year now that our main event is over. And, for the summer, I’ve decided not to do the optional bible study group.

How am I handling this extra time and less commitment? I don’t know. It’s weird. It’s freeing but also strange. Some days I just listen to music and get the little stuff done and call it a day. Other days I’m a bit more purposeful, but I am being rather ‘lazy’ by Laura standards right now.

How is it translating? 

– I am pushing myself harder at work, really testing my limits and seeing positive results. I’m full speed and recoup at home knowing I’m not rushing to something else.

– I am able to use the quiet less rushed morning to acknowledge God’s goodness and start my day with a thankful and focused heart.

– I have a better vision of what my day, week, and month looks like.

– I am more available to help loved ones even in small ways. Letting my dad use the car, being home when my brother drops by when he’s in town, random skyping sessions with friends to help them through their hard day, etc.

– I feel less trapped in a schedule that is always demanding.

– I am less moody. I have more time to process things, and I’m starting to see how short I become and how easy it is to not own up a bad attitude when life is crazy.

There are things I need to put into practice during this time, but I want them to happen organically. Firstly, I have fallen hard off the home cooking healthy food wagon, mostly taking the convenient road instead. And I need to get back on that wagon. Secondly, I need to add back a devotion filled time with God outside of Bible reading (which I hadn’t been doing all that faithfully outside of my Bible study) and I’d love to see that translate into more Bible art journaling and studying more systematic theology and apologetics. I want to apply the studying tools and techniques from my study into my personal reading since I am guilty of trying to read the Bible like literature if I don’t take the time to reset and pray for discernment.

This has been a ‘mind detox.’ And it’s proving to do a lot of good.

Hacks for Ladies on the Go

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Are you a frequent flyer, over scheduled parent, or career gal? All of these situations call for long days and limited access to items for freshening up. I’m going to throw what knowledge I have from traveling and being a career gal your way in case it helps you out.

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Toilet Seat Protecters – Oil Blotters on the Go

Please use discretion with this hack. If you’re in a stinky gas station bathroom that looks run down and dirty, I would not suggest this. But, if you’re in a reputable place, one that looks clean, take a sheet out of the dispenser, blot with the part that goes towards the rear of the seat in a light pressing or tapping motion, and then go ahead and use it to do your business or throw it in the toilet and flush. You’ll be surprised at how efficiently it grabs oil and excess makeup. I’m always wowed. Maybe not conventional? But pretty darn cool! Instant refresh!


Hair tie/Rubber Band – Waist Band Expander

Feeling bloated or just need to feel more comfy? Take a hair tie (preferred) or thicker rubber band and pull it halfway through your button loop on your pants. Take both ends and hook it over your button, if you want to tighten it more, loop it around twice. Zip up and you should have a little more room. This may not work for pants that have a fussy zipper that likes to descend all by itself, but I’d say it works for 90% of my pants.

 

Tiny Finger Taps – Eye Refresher

Take both hands and use tips of your fingers to gently tap across the eye area. Imagine how you tap your fingers against a table when bored, but more gently and under your eyes. This tapping motion helps improve lymphatic movement and blood flow to the area to help with dark circles and puffiness. You only need to do this for 30-60 seconds. It’s a good exercise to do daily and it doesn’t cost a thing. Click here to see a short video of it.


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Hand Lotion – Hair Tamer

I learned this hack from my friend Joelle. She applies hand lotion and then uses her moisturized hands to sweep the top of her hair or the unruly strands that like to do their own thing. You aren’t applying it like hair gel, just to be clear. You’re just using that little bit that doesn’t fully absorb into your skin to help with fly-aways.

 

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Hand Sanitizer – Your Deo in a Pinch

18 hour flight? Forgot to pack deodorant? Ran out of the house and forgot to apply some deodorant first? You can temporarily keep odor at bay with hand sanitizer. I don’t recommend this often, but you gotta do what you gotta do, right? This will help rid the bacteria and it’s the bacteria with sweat that makes pits stink.


Wash your bangs – Overall Hair Refresh

Maybe humidity got you really sweaty or you thought your hair could go one more day without shampooing and it’s just looking limp or greasy. If you have bangs, hold/tie back your hair and take some hand soap and rinse your bangs clean. You might look a little crazy doing this in a public bathroom, so wait until the bathroom is clear. After washing, “wring” what you can and then use paper towels to dry those bangs. On the occasion I’ve had to do this, it takes maybe a minute or two for my bangs to look completely dry. I usually wash my hair every other day, so on my off day, I start my morning routine by washing just my bangs in the sink with a shampoo bar. It really makes a difference in the overall appearance especially for people like me who have oily T zones.

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Small Muslin Drawstring Bag – Money Stash

This is the most effective thing I think I’ve ever thought up for travel or going out and not wanting to have a lot of money on hand. Take your money and fold it to fit the drawstring bag, if you have a larger drawstring you could theoretically put a credit card or gift card in there too. Draw the strings so the bag is closed. In front of a mirror, take the bag and place it above the cup of your bra in the strap area and pass the bag through both strings and pull to tighten it around your bra strap. Tuck the bag portion in your bra cup, close to where your arm hits it. This works best for more structured and larger bra cups, but it should work for any lady. For guys or ladies with very small cups or very fitted tops, you can try this method on a belt loop of your pants and tuck the bag inside your pants. It’s important to not put metal items in your drawstring bag if you’re going through the airport security line, but I’ve never had a problem using this method with cash and going through the body scanners.

You are attractive. Incredibly attractive.

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Ladies, when’s the last time you thought about how attractive you are? Are you disgusted or accepting of your image of you? Or perhaps you know you are and love it?

I think in a world that wants us to turn heads with body language and sex appeal, or find approval of ourselves through others’ opinions, it’s important to step back and see your attractiveness in your own eyes.

Look at your body, and think of how incredible it is. You can lose or gain weight to better your health. Your body is able to stretch to grow a baby or flex some mighty muscles. Whether you are tall curvy all over, petite and slender, or some other combination, your form is womanly without trying. Your body is powerful and provocative without ever showing any of it off. Your hair, eye, and skin color? All of that is an awesome combination God picked out for you and is part of what makes you unique. There is a specialness in having your grandmother’s eyes and your dad’s nose.

Think of what you’re attracted to when you’re thinking of your boyfriend or potential date material. What is conventional and what isn’t? More than likely, you don’t just like someone for conventional attractiveness. If the idea of tall, dark, and handsome makes you giggle and roll your eyes, then why do you think you need to be some idealized creature? You probably had non-physical traits in there too, didn’t you? Maybe you like someone with a good sense of humor. Maybe you like someone who is confident and fearless. Maybe you like humbleness or sensitivity. Did you throw in common interests? Maybe they need to be fluent in Marvel and DC comics. Perhaps they need to love pizza as dearly as you do. Did they maybe need to share a sense of adventure for the outdoors? Think of how it is not only the physical traits that make you attracted to others. Think of how others likewise see you as a multifaceted person with interests and passions that also connect you with them. Think of how unique you are and how special it is when there is a common bond.

Let’s take a moment to examine how you project yourself. What do you want to say about you, and how do you want that affecting your allurement? Perhaps you are mindful of your vivacity. You’re loud and animated and you love it and they have to love it too. Or perhaps your passion is spiritual and that is a large priority that you project to potential suitors – they know you are firm in what you believe. Perhaps you are nurturing and you show warmth and care and encourage growth in others and you find that someone with that trait works best so you can be more effective as a couple. Do you consciously put anything out there, looking to find someone that appreciates that projection? Are you aware of how you present yourself to the world? Everyone has something great to project, but sometimes we don’t make it mindful or do so boldly.

Lastly, think of what you personally like about yourself. There is always something, and ideally, there should be many things you can think of because you are truly awesome! Accept that others may think these things are pretty cool too, because more than likely, they do!

You are attractive. You are magnetic to the right people. You have control over what you project. You are worthwhile not because others say so, but because you know so. Don’t ever let self-doubt tell you otherwise. You don’t ever need someone’s approval to know so. Know that you are attractive as you are, outside of other people’s opinions.

You are magnificent and beautiful just being who you are, and being true to that attracts just the right people for you.

Unsolicited Comments : Mark It as Spam

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We’ve all gotten comments and opinions we never asked for or invited. Things like:

“Oh, you started working again? I guess your husband’s income isn’t cutting it.”

“Your body may not be ideal but at least you’ve got a beautiful face.”

“It must be exhausting having a downs child.”

“You’re so skinny. I wish I could eat anything and not gain weight.”

“I can’t believe you still use the microwave. It causes cancer.”

Think of these messages of ignorance and stupidity as flagged messages in your inbox and send them to the spam folder.

Do we open messages in our spam folder? No, because based on the subject line, we know the content may be harmful or that the message is meaningless to us.

In that same line of thinking, I’ve been relating it to the unsolicited comments I’ve received in real life. It sucks that sometimes these comments are said by people close to us, but the fact is their comment doesn’t do any good. Before letting a hurtful comment fester – giving time to internalize their words, and opening myself up to their message, I simply sort it to spam. The real life version of “unsubscribe” is to respectfully tell them that topic is off limits, what they said was rude, or brush it off by changing the subject.

Don’t open their loaded email. Don’t let their words ruin your day or get you down. Treat spam as spam: delete. Keep your inbox for what makes you feel good and builds you as a person. Don’t let messages that don’t fit that filter ruin the good stuff.

As a rule of thumb, I also sort gossip to junk mail. Bye bye, BS.