1. My cousin celebrated her 75th birthday and had two pinatas at her party. That she actively participated in hitting. That made my day.

2. My brother was in a bad accident BUT he doesn’t have any permanent injury and my almost due SIL was NOT in the car. Praise God!

3. I’ve jumped aboard the Stranger Things train. Dustin looks a lot like my brother as a kid. Like, crazy similar vibes. I’m really digging the series!

4. My family has made peace with that stupid leather sectional. We are going to make it work.

5. Depending on when the baby feels like being born, I will have a nephew or niece in the next 30ish days! Ahh! So excited!

6. My foster non-prof is kicking back into gear for the 2016 planning.

7. Bible study starts next week. We will be studying 1 Corinthians.

8. I’m on a stress detox. I seriously messed up my body in the past few weeks. I’m anxious because my schedule is filling up again but actively avoiding extra stress right now.

9. I’m going to drastically cut and color my hair this weekend.

10. I’m researching bullet journaling because I think it’s a better system than a planner. I like that I can add all of my life to it. Reading lists. Weight loss/food tracking. Weekly/Monthly goals and highlights. Etc.

How is everyone doing? Have you watched/binged Stranger Things yet? Do you bullet journal?

I’m a schemer and dreamer. I plan things and more often than not, they do not get completed or sometimes, started at all. It’s what makes me really faulty as a person. My diet stuff has fallen on the wayside and my gym routine is spotty. My bible journaling never happened. And my regular Bible study happens in a few weeks.

Where does time go? What the heck am I doing with it all?

I’m a fail-er. I fail a lot. A helluva lot. In fact, I want to stamp “FAILED” on my forehead and give up. Cease and desist, my mind tells me, just give up. Give up on everything. Give up on dreaming, give up on planning, and while I’m at it, give up on breathing.

And that’s when the tiniest voice inside me has to remind I’m not a failure if I try again. Even if my next 100 tries are just as unfruitful.

Yes, I’m lousy.
Yes, I talk big.
Yes, I am a disorganized mess.

But I am not a failure. Even when that statement feels like a lie, I think the Holy Spirit helps me hold on to that validation. Because sometimes, that’s the last bit of thread I have left when I’m unraveled. God’s purpose for my life is bigger than all my fails. I can’t see past them sometimes, but He can.

Something I’ve learned through various relocating in the past 5 years that is still ringing true is that some practical dreams need to planned out in reality. Don’t get me wrong, there should always be some shoot for the stars type dreams in one’s arsenal, but when it deals with home decorating and living space, a true vision and careful thought process is quintessential. “Measure a ten times, cut once” – because measuring twice still hasn’t been enough.

My parents recently bought a sectional after dreaming about a new couch for ages. I helped them sell their old ones, they spoke greatly of the one to come, and then it finally came and was not ideal at all. Did you know there is a way to make microfiber look like synthetic leather? Yeah, I didn’t either. And apparently, neither did my parents. They were thinking a soft to the touch material. They also measured out the entirety of their living room only to find that while the new sectional fit, it swallowed the room whole. My tiny little mother looks like an ant on the behemoth.

Similarly, I get a bit starry eyed and hasty when it comes to home furnishings and organizational items. I’m also a magpie of a person, desiring whatever catches light to my eyes. I plotted out a closet and had it built from scratch only to find the high shelving I added on doesn’t do me much good and my super average height means I must tippy toe to hang things on the closet rods. Did I maximize space? Yes. Was it practical in the long run? Not really…

I’ve contemplated buying a smaller new/used desk to replace my current desk and I’m just a little too sobered by my not-so-successful plans to move forward with it. I also don’t want to be frivolously spending on bigger ticket items just to deal with reselling or moving things out of the way over and over.

I glance around my room and I still own too much. The too much being a weight that could prevent me from my best potential. I recently took a picture of a tinted lip gloss as a memorial to committing something and following all the way through. I used it up last friday, to the last little bit, and it made me feel good. My whole life I’ve very rarely used up my art supplies, makeup, lotions, or nail polishes to the point of them being truly empty. I leave them sitting there and occasionally grab things, sometimes finding in dismay that I’m discarding it due to an expiration date.

Maybe I preoccupy too much time and energy on the idea of newness and adding instead of finishing and fully enjoying. It’s something I’m still trying to figure out about myself as I practice mindfulness.

So in the meantime, that desk in question can wait, and I am freeing myself up from the excessive belongings, because that’s where I need to start. The farther I dig into this literal mess, the more I see how cloudy the inside of me is. I am a lot of ideas in waiting and not a lot of seeing things all the way through. But I’m working on it.

I know people may disagree but I find Pokemon Go to be an AWESOME thing and I just joined the bandwagon last week. I’ve caught over 50 pokemon and leveled up to 7 and joined Team Mystic!

I keep reading all these stories about it helping people leave their homes, socialize, and be inclusive of those society may not be as connected with. Things like how the United States alone has walked 2 million miles collectively in their poke-pursuits and stories of children with Autism and Aspergers connecting to others on the playground in ways they hadn’t before. People with depression are finding comfort in gaming, people with no motivation to exercise are moving and walking great lengths. So yeah, I’m pro Go!

In other news, I’ve Konmari’d a good 20% of the house at this point which is me productively avoiding progress in my room. Last week was a bit crazy with the living room remodel coming to a screeching halt with a sectional that is deceivingly “microfiber” but synthetic leather. Basically, there was a mix up in the definition of microfiber and my parents were duped into getting a synthetic leather couch made of microfiber material when they told the furniture people they did not want a leather type couch. Fingers crossed that is resolved today in our favor since the business they bought it from has stringent return policies.

It was an honest mistake but it also shows me my parents are getting older and while they are still very capable people, sales people and others may try to take advantage of them or they may not necessarily rationalize things correctly. To be fair, the average person wouldn’t have been so trusting and would have maybe asked the sales floor guy to do some more explaining. But, in my parent’s minds, microfiber is a soft fabric type material, they didn’t understand that a material can be transformed by heat and embossing to look much different. It’s a mess, and it’s something my brother and I have stepped up to try to help resolve. Their heart and my brother and mine, we all hope for the best and hope our attitudes reflect Christ in all of this, as we do wish to get an exchange worked out, but still wish to explain our situation fairly.

To end on a happier note, I have a theme picked out for my SIL’s baby shower, and hopefully invites will go out tomorrow!

In my heart of hearts, I know that I thrive under creative environments where I need to problem solve, bring new light, or add an aesthetic an an idea so that words and pictures cohesively communicate more than what’s there.

There are many days I shake my head and wonder why I’m not where I want to be yet, but then I see that what I do, I truly do love. I just am not ideally compensated for it yet. My career fulfills my basic financial needs AND grows me as a businesswoman, I just need to make my potential and my paycheck soar.

In that vein of thinking, there are two ways to solve this problem ; abandon what intrinsically makes you thrive for what makes you a better living, or keep finding ways to make what thrives you work to a sound income.

I’m aware now that doubting myself does not make for a better outcome in either area. I need to fuel my potential and keep my eyes open to opportunity, that’s all.

I am good enough, and if I’m not there yet, I will get there. I can’t let go of what gives me purpose in search of something else. So, how hard am I going to work to get where I want to be?

Following the tragic mass shooting in Orlando, what should people do? Mourn with those who mourn.

This isn’t a platform to talk about gun control or whatever else people want to stand on a soapbox for; it’s a time to remember those whose lives were lost and to lift up those who were injured in our thoughts and prayers. It’s time to be in great sorrow, to show love and compassion, and to remember.

(Romans 12: 9-15) Love in Action

⁹ Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. ¹⁰ Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. ¹¹ Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. ¹² Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. ¹³ Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality. ¹⁴ Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. ¹⁵ Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. ¹

Miscommunication is a monster. Outside of evil itself, it is the most insidious thing. Often times, no one is wrong OR right, but the resulting hurt and damage is done regardless of fault. That was what happened here.

On Wednesday and Thursday of last week, I drilled my dad. His senior brain doesn’t work like it used to, so I felt that driving down the facts TWICE would help him remember. I told him I had a debriefing all day Saturday for the organization I volunteered with to help plan next year’s event, and that on Sunday, I was covering both shifts for coffee ministry at church so the moms that usually help could enjoy their day. I told him that we should plan on celebrating Sunday afternoon sometime after 2 when I’d be home and my brother and his wife we also done with church and lunch.

He complains that he wants to take my mom to dim sum and insists that’s what she wanted. And dim sum ends at 2. I told him we could go somewhere else.

On Friday, he tells me matter-of-factly that he and my mother are going to dim sum Saturday. It’s exactly what I asked him not do. I was rushing to my painting class so in the minute I had I asked, “Did you at least ask if N and R could go?” He replies yes, he planned this with my brother (N.)

Ouch. Freaking Ouch. I walked out that door with a bullet in my heart. At least my brother and sister in law could go, but what about me? Why did they have to deliberately celebrate when I couldn’t be present at all?

I got home late that night and waited to speak to my mom. I told her I heard about their plans for tomorrow and wondered why they couldn’t do something all together on Sunday evening. She explodes at me (whether she wants to admit it or not) and calls me selfish for wanting to do what I want on her day. She told me it was for her and she could do as she wanted. She added that she in fact, did not necessarily want dim sum.

Stifling showing my hurt, I offered to contact my group and tell them I couldn’t go last minute to spend part of mother’s day with my own mother. This is the second time she has called me selfish this month so I am incredibly wounded. The fact that they planned to exclude me and that my own brother didn’t mention a thing to me was painful. And to add insult to injury, that word selfish was thrown in.

On Saturday, I got up and stayed quiet in my room. I built a bridge and got over all the hurt from the night before and focused on being home after everyone came back from dim sum. I hear my dad’s voice booming to my mom, “She’s still here, did she oversleep for her meeting today?”

Minutes later my mom comes up to my door and asks if I’m joining them for dim sum. As politely and respectfully as possible I tell her I wasn’t invited to join them but if I was invited I’d go. I only meant to not assume, but she translated that as me testing the waters and trying to sound petty. I hear her complaining and tell me she doesn’t want anything and I’ve ruined her mothers day. Then she goes to tell my dad his plans made me feel excluded and they start bickering. I come out and try to say my piece but my dad is yelling at me and my mom is fed up and walks out to the backyard.

My dad then proceeds to call me a liar and says he told me yesterday what he planned to do and he planned it because I wasn’t available.

I’m very emotional at this point, like any fucking human being would be. I walk outside and tell my mom I’m sorry and that I want her to have a good Mother’s Day and didn’t mean to cause all this. She is freaking out that the neighbors will hear me and is further angered by my actions. I. Can’t. Fucking. Win.

Finally N is on the phone and several phone calls later we finally resolve enough to go to dim sum.

My dad is losing his marbles. It’s frustrating but also sad. I could hear by the way he answered my brother he never took time to understand me. I was telling him my schedule and to plan to celebrate on Sunday after lunch. He took it to mean I was too busy all weekend. His lack of rationalizing is what made him assume that dim sum was what my mom wanted, and that the priority of night church service was more important that working around his schedule to celebrate when we could all be together. N tells me on the phone he specifically told my dad to tell me that while they’d go to dim sum together, the main celebration would be on Sunday.

So yeah, the first half of our celebrating was hell in a hand basket. Even at dim sum, the first half hour felt so awkward, with everyone contemplating if they were even in the mood to eat.

Once again, I had to remedy how I was feeling inside and I went out of my way to be nice to my dad. My mom and my brother told me to excuse him for his actions because he’s getting old and any grudge I held may turn sour if anything happened to him. I know that to be true, but the fact that I have a right to feel hurt is what really complicates things. Much later in the day he finally told me he was sorry and didn’t wish to see it turn out so badly. I’ll accept that.

N+R had to run after dim sum (gotta celebrate both sides, so two brunches!) , and we did get together on Sunday. This is R’s first mother’s day, as she’s expecting, so we did a little photoshoot. That was probably the highlight this year. They got to use those pictures to announce publicly via social media that they are expecting. And you know what they say, “It’s not official until it’s facebook official.”

Now I can freely share I’m going to be an auntie. ❤

More spewing and self-examination. You’ve been warned of this wordy whirlwind!

I’m in existence mode a lot and I’m finding that sometimes it’s just what we do to survive. Inspirational posts tell you to live each day like it’s your last – and that’s valuable, but not always plausible. Sometimes, you are storming through trials, mundaneness, sickness, depression, exhaustion, rough work days, etc., and you just need to coast through that part and recharge so you can truly live and be renewed. The clincher here is that you aren’t supposed to stay E mode. Existing is like driving in the slow lane: your journey is gonna suck if you don’t merge over and end up just riding it out there the whole time.

My biggest problem right now is the house being a rotating door. It’s not about me not being gracious or a good hostess, it’s the stress of sharing a bathroom and trying to get ready for work and getting a call late at night in a panic from my mom saying relative X is coming over that evening or the wee hours of the morning and to clean up and be ready. I can’t do this. This is effing up my schedule and sanity. Is it worth moving at this point and time? No. But I’m putting my darn foot down. It’s true, I don’t have all my shit together – and so when more people are here, I freak out and have to put myself in E mode to get by. The messiness I’m trying to resolve can’t be tackled when guests are here and I HATE when I’m blamed for stuff laying around when the reality is it’s not all mine, it’s just easier to lump it in as MY problem.

Back to the first paragraph. The problem with my first sentence is the “a lot” part. I feel like I’m in a junky car that just can’t keep up to speed to stay in the L lane, so I switch back and forth and depend on E to get me through.

So I’m fixing parts of my car (me) first.

Sanity – my week and a half long trip should help with unwinding and best friends are good medicine. I hope to get in a lot of love and laughs and come home ready to thrive.

After my trip this month, I’m chomping down on the bit as far as diet goes and upping exercise. I’m so glad my boyfriend is on board with me – he helps me out more than he knows! And he even enjoys the crazy diet foods I make.

I’m also in the process of adding three rules to help with cleaning and sanity:

1. Tidy my desk before bed. This is my command center. I gotta keep it accessible and ready to work at.

2. Keep my bed clear so I can sleep without folded clothes and whatnot.

3. Remind myself that it’s better to stay sane and recluse in my room than drive myself mad trying to be Holly Good Hostess. I don’t need to wait hand and foot on people. It’s a fear based on being a people pleaser but I need to let it go.

If I can commit to those changes I have a clear space for studying and creating and also for better sleep. The rest of my room can slowly change but I need these two spaces to work in my favor.