Living and Existing

More spewing and self-examination. You’ve been warned of this wordy whirlwind!

I’m in existence mode a lot and I’m finding that sometimes it’s just what we do to survive. Inspirational posts tell you to live each day like it’s your last – and that’s valuable, but not always plausible. Sometimes, you are storming through trials, mundaneness, sickness, depression, exhaustion, rough work days, etc., and you just need to coast through that part and recharge so you can truly live and be renewed. The clincher here is that you aren’t supposed to stay E mode. Existing is like driving in the slow lane: your journey is gonna suck if you don’t merge over and end up just riding it out there the whole time.

My biggest problem right now is the house being a rotating door. It’s not about me not being gracious or a good hostess, it’s the stress of sharing a bathroom and trying to get ready for work and getting a call late at night in a panic from my mom saying relative X is coming over that evening or the wee hours of the morning and to clean up and be ready. I can’t do this. This is effing up my schedule and sanity. Is it worth moving at this point and time? No. But I’m putting my darn foot down. It’s true, I don’t have all my shit together – and so when more people are here, I freak out and have to put myself in E mode to get by. The messiness I’m trying to resolve can’t be tackled when guests are here and I HATE when I’m blamed for stuff laying around when the reality is it’s not all mine, it’s just easier to lump it in as MY problem.

Back to the first paragraph. The problem with my first sentence is the “a lot” part. I feel like I’m in a junky car that just can’t keep up to speed to stay in the L lane, so I switch back and forth and depend on E to get me through.

So I’m fixing parts of my car (me) first.

Sanity – my week and a half long trip should help with unwinding and best friends are good medicine. I hope to get in a lot of love and laughs and come home ready to thrive.

After my trip this month, I’m chomping down on the bit as far as diet goes and upping exercise. I’m so glad my boyfriend is on board with me – he helps me out more than he knows! And he even enjoys the crazy diet foods I make.

I’m also in the process of adding three rules to help with cleaning and sanity:

1. Tidy my desk before bed. This is my command center. I gotta keep it accessible and ready to work at.

2. Keep my bed clear so I can sleep without folded clothes and whatnot.

3. Remind myself that it’s better to stay sane and recluse in my room than drive myself mad trying to be Holly Good Hostess. I don’t need to wait hand and foot on people. It’s a fear based on being a people pleaser but I need to let it go.

If I can commit to those changes I have a clear space for studying and creating and also for better sleep. The rest of my room can slowly change but I need these two spaces to work in my favor.

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