Category Archives: Life Musings

Holiday Focus

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This holiday season has been rough for me. Mostly because I am trying so hard to keep it centered on Christ and I feel like I’m failing. There’s been bouts of sadness, bickering, you name it – and it makes it hard to feel the true joy that is at the heart of Christmas.

I wonder if trying harder this year makes me more conscientious that I could do better. I don’t feel like it’s a trial or that I need to “blame Satan” for interfering. No, this is just because I’m an imperfect person in a busy secular world and interactions with others and distractions get in my way.

I hope my effort despite recent failures pleases God. I’m not trying to guilt myself or fit a certain mode of worship, I’m just trying to take the steps I can, because that’s the right thing to do.

One of the hardest parts with my living situation right now is that we have a guest room and it is constantly occupied. This weekend relatives are staying to go to a Sweet 16. Then, next weekend, one of my cousins and her family will be here for Christmas. And then, immediately after, my family is caravan-ing to a neighboring state for a big birthday party.

That precious week of vacation time I saved for the week of Christmas? Now gone to hosting people and traveling out of town. Is it wasted? No. But is it what I wanted? No.

I wanted a week of low key relaxing, wrapping up the Christmas season in the comfort of my home and preparing for the new year by taking care of personal things. Now I’ll be hosting people, driving 7-8 hours out one way and then back, and returning to work in the new year exhausted instead of rested.

Is it selfish to just want some darn peace and quiet? Is it cruel to not appreciate seeing relatives and getting to spend more time with them? I don’t know. I’m just running on empty.

Thanksgiving Reflections and a Grocery Challenge

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Christmas may be my favorite holiday as a whole (personal + spiritual reasons) but Thanksgiving is the main event of my year. This is because all my relatives gather from afar this one special time a year. One family comes from a neighboring state, a cousin going to med school on the opposite coast flies in, and a cousin in the south east for an awesome job got a ticket to come out just for T-day. On extra special occasions we have both sides of the family together; other times we make two thanksgivings out of it. This might be my favorite year of them all since we have a brand new member of the family joining our festivities: my baby nephew!

It’s also going to be a little bittersweet because this is the first big holiday gathering my Uncle N won’t be at. It’s hard to think that last Christmas is the last holiday we ever had with him and it makes me wish I took a little more time to spend with him one on one that day. I never thought less than two months later we’d be gathered around him in a hospital room as he drew his last breath. I want to remember him on Thursday. We always gather and hold hands and say what we’re thankful for before we pray to bless the meal. This time he will be what I’m thankful for. I want to consciously remember to spend a little more time talking to my aunts and uncles one on one instead of devoting most of my time with my cousins as a life lesson too. God willing, my cousins and I will have many decades more to enjoy each other, but our aging parents, we don’t know how many decades are left. It’s important for me to remember how fleeting life can be and really seek out meaningful times with them.

Here’s how the grocery challenge ties into Thanksgiving: my work generously gifted the office $100 gift cards for the holiday. For people with families of their own, that gift card will be gone in an instant just on the feast. Since I am only helping with a few dishes, I’m going to spend my own money now and save that gift card to stretch me through the holiday season.

My goal is to use up all the pasta, grains, cereals, and canned goods in my little pantry and be more mindful of grocery spending for the rest of 2016. This will help me get back on track with whole foods and make my pantry 100% back on diet plan. This last year with all the crazy I’ve accumulated a lot of boxed pasta, off plan snacks, and didn’t cook nearly as much as I used to so I have canned goods near expiration.  As a renter I’ve been told many times that my pantry isn’t desired in that location so ultimately my goal is to get rid of it and work with them to establish a place for my extra food items and small appliances. I honestly don’t think it looks bad, but I’m bending my will and trying to be compliant.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! May you have a blessed time of reflection and gratitude with friends/family and may digestion be on your side for all the goodies at your table!

Healthy Fear is Fuel for Future Fearlessness

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Healthy Fear is Fuel for Future Fearlessness

Try saying that ten times fast. I’m always in my head, trying to sort things out or sometimes just babble for my sanity. Today’s lasting thought is that healthy fear helps to create future fearlessness.

If I look back on good career moves and personal growth, I see fear. I see fear of the unknown, fear of full potential, fear of knowing what to do. It made it kind of scary but also very thrilling. And as I conquered or overcame them, that became a sense of pride. Fear becomes fearlessness in the end. It becomes a reminder that we did hard things and kicked butt and can do it again. 

In examining life right now, I’ve noticed I don’t have enough fear fueling me in the right way. My fears borderline unhealthy and say stay put, don’t overdo it, don’t risk what you don’t know. Am I talking huge things like quitting my job or moving 10,000 miles away? Heck no. But I am thinking it’s time to fan those flames in my favor towards something scary and exciting.

What fearful things am I thinking?

New friendships – I need a sense of community and sisterhood locally. I need to diligently do my part to meet new people and kindle something. It needs to specifically be someone with ambitious dreams so we can feed off each other’s encouragement.

Planning for my future – Really sitting down and going over financial numbers, what I desire and need to work on in my relationship, and thinking hard about where I want to be in the next year, five years, and decade.

Ministry – Braving bigger roles and practicing some lacking faithfulness and diligence that has made me feel kind of crummy lately. Digging deeper and knowing I’m not just a volunteer.

I need to keep reminding me I’m not scared of being scared. I need some fear, good fear, to help me continue to evolve into a better person. I’ve done it before, I can do it again. And again. And again. 🙂

Uncle Don’s Cabin: Why so many Evangelicals are still Pulling for Trump — (not so) completely. miserable.

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I need to share this post with everyone — not to try to dissuade someone from voting for their candidate of choice, but to start a necessary conversation on a bigger picture: racism and white privilege in the church. 

Evangelicals are jumping off of the Republican ticket like never before – a truly unprecedented exodus. But an estimated 65% still remain faithful. While it’s true that Trump’s strong words against abortion, Gay rights, and the most vile human being an Evangelical can imagine have left so many still swooning, two recent studies suggest that […]

via Uncle Don’s Cabin: Why so many Evangelicals are still Pulling for Trump — (not so) completely. miserable.

Happy Halloween!

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I’ve mentioned in a previous blog post that while most people love Halloween I don’t really get the hype and I’m still sorting out my feelings about it.

Well, it’s Halloween again, and while it still isn’t my favorite, in the last few years I’ve had fun and enjoyed myself and I can say that really helps chase away the negative feelings from my youth.

Here are some things I still don’t get:

– Lawns that are decked out more than christmas (they sell halloween lights, what?)
– Dressing little kids as fictional serial killers or having them wear over sexualized costumes
– People paying lots of money to scare themselves silly at haunted mazes/houses
– People with no knowledge on the occult and magic suddenly taking an interest and messing with seances and ouija boards, etc
– Turning off all the lights and pretending not to be home

All that aside, as a Christian, I can either be grinch-y and judge-y of everyone and turn my lights off and refuse to associate myself, or I can look for opportunities to be a light in my community. Keeping my porch light on and passing out candy helps me acquaint myself with some of the families in the neighborhood. It makes that connection and in return, I may be able to bring God glory in that. I can also participate in local trunk or treats at church and give kids a safe alternative to trick or treating where they don’t have to check their candy and fear cruel intentions.

Holiday origins are very complicated, but if you look up other holidays, you might find the pagan origins are just as “interesting” and that we’ve strayed from the practices and traditions of those. So I see Halloween in a very similar way.

The difference with Halloween is that there is a lot of scary and evil themes, but I can’t think of a better night to let your light shine. In fact, I feel like as a kid, I felt some fear associated with halloween and some of the dark themes. But now I know that God doesn’t give us a spirit of fear, and I don’t need to be scared. If and when I have kids, it is very important to me to let my kids know this isn’t a day we fear. There is nothing that can separate us from the love of God, and God has the power and victory over evil.

All that deep stuff aside, I am going to be passing out candy and dressing up in steampunk clothes and watching movies tonight. And it’s going to be fun.

Do you have any associations or good or bad feelings towards Halloween? I suppose if you grew up trick-or-treating and going to parties, my post sounds really odd. I would love to hear some positive childhood stories.

Concert Vibes: The Dear Hunter & Eisley

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It’s been a while since I’ve gone to a concert! I love living near a big music scene where I know most bands I love will hit on their tour.

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LACMA is practically my art home away from home, and I was surprised to find out  how close in proximity the El Rey Theater is to my art stomping grounds. I’ve been to the El Rey before, how did I not know this?!

My friend J is now a nurse at a children’s hospital and since she moved about 2 hours away, this was the first time I really got to hang out with her and catch up on life. She got to explore the La Brea Tar Pit area as she waited for me to navigate through the heavy traffic. We grabbed dinner at a fantastic burger place and chatted away until the concert was about to start. A four minute walk later, and voila!

This was first time seeing The Dear Hunter live and my second time enjoying Eisley. I tried to give J a rundown of the acts and the the story in TDH’s music, and it sounds like a crazy soap opera when you put it in a nutshell. Haha.

The Dear Hunter played a great set: everyone in the crowd cheered as they heard the first few seconds of instrumental and knew another favorite was about to play.

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My new Eisley gear! I was worried the t-shirt wouldn’t fit as they only carried small and large, but it fits like a glove since it’s a unisex slim fit. How gorgeous is that design? I sent my boyfriend this pic and he said, “It’s you!” 😉

Seeing Eisley this time was quite different now that Chauntelle and Stacy have moved on to pursue their own music, but it was magical all the same.

I’m not sure if there were issues with the audio. It seemed like the instruments were a little overpowering and Sherri’s mic wasn’t as loud as it needed to be, but they rocked it. I was ecstatic to hear Golly Sandra and Smarter in their set. Sherri is my band spirit animal. I love her sense of wonder and whimsy and that she also draws and doodles. She proudly brought up her hubby and two daughters and thanked the crowd for letting her be a touring mom who gets to do what she loves. ❤

They announced they’ll be releasing new music and touring LA around February. Guess what I’ll be adding to my birthday list?

Refocus: Willing and Able

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I’ve been harsh on my body lately. Despite many efforts to lose weight recently I haven’t [in fact, I’ve put on a few]. Some of it is from negligence, dealing with trials, and being medically advised to not participate in vigorous exercise until a blood clot was ruled out [which it has, praise God]. And then I went to a theme park and didn’t fit the newest rides and again had to work myself into body image homeostasis again.

 I love and accept my body the best that I can, with a healthy knowledge that aiming for a lower weight is ideal for my health and wellness. 

That’s a hard struggle right there. On one hand, I’m supposed to be content with who I am and on the other hand, I’m supposed to be dissatisfied enough to make changes to who I am. Ideally, I should be able to sort out that intrinsically I am the same person despite weight or appearance, but it’s not quite that easy either.

It’s not the same me when I know I turn down certain activities right now because I feel too fat to join (long hikes, yoga, swimsuit-wearing, bust a dance move)

It’s not the same when I’m constantly fearful of airplane buckles, taking up too much space on a bench, or squeezing through tight rows of tables in a restaurant.

It’s not the same when I edit how I express myself because certain styles hide problem areas better.

In many ways, despite clinging to body positivity, I do feel limited if I’m honest. So, it’s time to reinforce what my body is able to do; right now, at this weight, at this time.

I am loved and able to love (platonically and romantically).

I am powerful. I love the strength I have and plan to work out and keep it. 

I am deserving of respect and dignity. No one can compromise that.

I am able to carry this body and walk and not grow tired. 

I am able to embrace my curves and be fashionable. 

I am able to look in the mirror and smile. 

I am able to try harder at weight loss and fitness. 

I am able to make an impact in the world around me. 

I am able to ground myself when negative body thoughts enter my mind. 

I am able to look back and see progress even if others can’t.

I am able to consider my choices and if they fit my path.

I am willing and able to pursue my goals.

I have and will fall short time to time but it’s time to kick butt again.

Too Fat to Ride

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Talk about an amazing extended weekend staycation, and I got to do it with one of my best friends. I got eight hours of sleep multiple nights in a row, several coffee and chit chat trips with H, and we got a theme park and beach day in. It was amazing!

Living near Universal Studios and Disneyland, it’s always fun planning a theme park day especially when new attractions come out. H and a group of mutual friends and I were highly anticipating the brand new Harry Potter World addition in Universal Studios. I had turned down several invites throughout the year because it meant a lot to me that I go with this group of awesome ladies. And I’m glad I waited, because we all experienced the magic together for the first time. Every detail was considered and it really looked like you were transplanted to Hogsmead. That’s why one detail bothered me even more…

I can’t do coasters. The most I can stomach and often lands me with a headache is Space Mountain. Anything beyond that caliber means trouble. That’s why I did my due diligence and looked up the new HP World ride reviews on Yelp and videos on YouTube. As I preview Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey, I notice an interesting video in my recommended panel. It had to do with not fitting. The lady in the video sat in a test seat and tried several times to pull the chest holster over and get a green light. It never lit. And my stomach sank as she said she is a size 18/20.

I’m a size 18/20.

I asked about ride intensity on one of my social media accounts, and again, someone commented on the confining seats.

I may be too fat to fit.

Now, instead of worrying about speed and intensity of the ride, I was afraid my 5’5 size 18/20 body would disqualify me from the fun.

I confided with H before the trip my fears before we went. I needed to let her no that no matter the outcome, I didn’t want anyone to feel bad or not ride on my behalf. As we entered the line, a Universal Studios staff member pulled us aside. He didn’t address anyone’s weight. He didn’t single out the overweight people in my party. He merely asked if it was our group’s first time on the ride and if we knew we’d fit comfortably.

Person by person, we tested the ride and the green light lit for our party.

For everyone but me.

I was too fat.

So many thoughts raced through my head and I chased them away before they could fester. Gathering the confidence I had left, I tried to stay positive and offer to hold my friends’ bags and see that as a bright side. Avoiding ride lockers is always a plus. The staff member was kind enough to let me try again and have a friend push down to see. No green light.

In a way it was hard. I wasn’t the only overweight person in the group, but I’m most definitely the heaviest. My taller and more apple-shaped friend fit just fine, and my shorter curvy all over friend did too. I can’t tell if my really thick thighs or Size 40 E chest was the culprit behind the red light. But either way, I didn’t fit. The guy apologized and said for the inconvenience he would give us a password to the front of the line. Which was awesome! I’m so glad we skipped an hour-long line. In no way was I singled out and I was so thankful. And I was happy the test seat was discreetly placed, and available so I wasn’t shamed as I hopped in an actual ride seat. One of the gals offered to stay behind with me and I wouldn’t have it. I thought it was so sweet, but I knew it would make me feel guilty and frustrated to have someone else miss on the fun because of me.

I sat in the child-switch area with all the bags and time flew by. I kept my mind occupied on the movie clips they had a tv screen. I stayed positive. We searched out the other HP world attraction and there was another test seat. This would just had a little seat bar. I thought, pretty much knew, I’d fit. I’m fat, but my butt fit it fair and square, but as I pulled the bar to my belly, it was my knees that hit.

Everyone else fit but me.

This is where it got difficult. I was prepared to not fit the first ride, but both?! What gives?! I tried to stay positive but this time, it was a full on war in my head. I was going to miss both the rides I’ve anticipated for half a year because I was too fat. Not only was I fat, I was shaped in a way that didn’t help me for either ride.

I want to disclaim that I’ve never felt entitled to anything or any accommodations because of my weight. I’m over 250 pounds and I know 250 is kind of where places draw the line. But at the same time, I felt like Universal Studios Hollywood did not care about my worth. I was too fat, too small of a percentage, for them to give two shakes about. And that made me feel awful. I fit ALL THEIR OTHER RIDES, I don’t require a seat belt extender in an airplane seat, but I couldn’t fit their new rides. How come their larger riders weren’t considered in the grand scheme of things? Why did I fit all their other rides and not these? Obviously the test seats alluded that many other riders would be facing my reality too.

I also felt it personally. I felt like I finally hit that “fat” where I am truly handicapped from certain activities. I can bend, I can walk long distances, I can carry myself with dignity, I can run miles at the gym, but I couldn’t fit these damn rides. Lots of ultimatums raced in my head.

“I have a season pass, I’ll starve myself until I fit.”

“I’ll use this shameful moment to GUILT myself until I’m smaller.”

“Look at my random health issue and this now. It means I need to do something EXTREME before it’s too late.”

These are horrible thoughts, and I’m ashamed to admit them, but they did reside in my head for the first half of the day.

I’m that fat. The kind that now holds me back. And that hurt. And it made me upset that even if I dropped a ton of weight, my boyfriend and other overweight friends would have to go through what I felt. That made me really angry.

We went on the tram ride, I got to excitedly share my favorite ride, Transformers, with our group, and I happily walked ahead of the group many times without needing my inhaler or huffing and puffing. Even with my edema, I gliding down stairs and walking fast.

I wasn’t a handicap, I am able-bodied! I tried to remind myself of how well my body was carrying me throughout the day. We were there until nightfall and I never ran out of breath or asked to take a break because I was tired. I might of failed a couple rides, but as a whole I was doing okay.

In the end, I was grateful for the caring and considerate group of friends who supported me and that I got to spend the whole day with. The fat factor will always sting, but I have to remind myself I am still able-bodied and valued, even if a couple theme park attractions disagree.

Test Results are In!

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All the results are back.

I do not have a blood clot. 
I do not have liver and kidney issues. 
My ticker is doing just fine. 

This has been a very expensive process, but so worth the peace of mind! I was really stretched in my faith, and I needed that. Learning to lean on God and trust His will is hard. I don’t even want to dare say that I wholly leaned and trusted the whole time. But I got so much closer. I’m humbled, and mindful of how hard it was; on how much I have yet to grow in the area of trust.

I think the height of my surrender was last week, trying to get a last minute appointment to figure out the test results, and crying in the car and giving it all up to him. At that moment, I knew I could handle whatever was happening, big or small. I actually found it easier to trust God with my health, and harder to find that big faith in paying for all the extra expenses of the medical fees coupled with an upcoming car fix. I’m ashamed to admit that, but want to be real. Did God handle it all and help me figure out how to handle it all? Of course.

As Thanksgiving approaches, we remember to give thanks and find gratitude and I know this small trial is actually something I’m thankful for. I’m glad that I was able to go through this to grow my faith in the Lord. Is the issue gone? No. But I don’t have to worry about a horrible underlying cause.

I hope despite some of the excessive worry and financial freaking out, I was able to bring God glory in this. I am so grateful that no matter how the results could have come back, my God is there for me.

Lots of Happy in the Crazy

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First of all, the ultrasound results are back and I DO NOT have a blood clot! Thank God! That in itself is worthy of a happy dance. I’m still experiencing swelling and waiting on blood test results, so I’m not in the clear, but I’m thankful to know it’s not DVT. Now I can get back to my gym routine (can I call it that yet if it’s still becoming a habit?) and check out all the new stuff at Universal Studios when my bestie H is in town.

Speaking of which, my best friend flies in this coming Thursday. I am so excited! It’s an almost annual trip and one of the highlights of my year. In past trips we’ve planned daycations and whatnot but this year is a little more relaxed. I’m looking forward to Coffee Bean trips, perhaps some beach time, and lots of catching up in person.

Last night my brother sent the cutest Kai pic ever from his newborn photoshoot and announced that he is finally up to birth weight and even a little heavier. It’s been a long few weeks for my SIL with cluster feeding and all that jazz. To help Kai with his weight gain, no one’s been allowed to hold him so he can sync with scents to Mom and Dad and work on hunger cues. The extended family has been waiting anxiously to get to hold the little guy and fingers crossed that happens soon.

Another silver lining that makes me incredibly happy is the new Amazon Prime Reading! Now I can view magazines and many popular books for free. Prime is the best thing ever. 2-day free shipping. Previewing music when new albums are released. No longer standing in the post office to pay $17 to flat ship gifts. I’m loving it. And now books.

Some of the madness includes waiting impatiently for blood test results, getting the house in order for a one month celebration in the span of a week, and selling a bunch of my furniture before said party happens. I’m so thankful for the happy parts that help tame the crazy. Life is a compilation of highs and lows but I’m so happy to be alive.