One of the few places of solace right now is an escape to the beach. I can actually clear my head there. And recently, given all the childcare my household has tackled for my brother and his wife, these moments of quiet and natural ocean sounds are healing. Since Covid is still problematic and my county is still high on the list, it’s one of the places open air enough to enjoy with a friend or my boyfriend at a personable distance. J and I took off Friday to have a beach day and enjoy Lunar New Year. We got to the beach mid afternoon. It was breezy and cool, being the middle of February and all. The waves almost had a milky feel in reflecting the overcast but sunny sky.
There were very few people at the strip of coastline we set up at, but a few people walked the edge of the water so we were much higher up out of the path. A little dog, maybe 8 pounds, comes running in a serpentine “do I, do I not?” style up to us and goes and licks J’s hand. He runs back to his mom and daughter family duo, then comes back to J. Of course, my reaction is, “Yay, dog! Cute dog!” His Mom and Sister come closer to us but keep a safe distance. The Mom compliments J. She says it’s the first time in 5+ years that Brody has felt comfortable and safe approaching a male. J is a large guy. He looks like he could be a football player. 5’10”, solidly built, and probably even more gigantic to this little dog who has feared men most of his life yet out of the blue decides to do something brave and trust this one. He comes back again, gives him another love lick, and J gives him his hand to sniff and slowly and cautiously moves to pet him and Brody complies. My heart swells at the joy of this moment. I think, in my head, “That’s right Brody, you trust him and so do I. He’s a good man, and now man’s best friend approved.”
J is actually a self-confessed cat person, but he and I are both allergic (me, nearly deathly). He has always joked about tiny and small dogs being borderline annoying and yappy. It was a relief to see how he warmed up to this little fella. After Brody and his family left, he confided to me that if he were to be a dog owner in the future he’d want a cute little lap dog like that over a big dog. I was once again taken back at this confession. “The kind you make fun of for being yappy or foo-foo?!” I exclaimed. “Yeah,” he said. I shot back a sly smile and told him I would have never guessed. I told him one day if we got a dog as a married couple, a tiny cute lap dog, we might just have to honor him with the name Brody. He smiled and told me he’d like that.
Tag Archives: trust
But If Not, He is Still Good
So there’s a lot happening right now.
It’s a grab bag of happy and not-so-happy things.
I’ve been dealing with edema on one side of my leg for nearly a month. The crazy thing is this could point to really crazy things like kidney/heart issues or a blood clot. Or it could be nothing. I’m taking it seriously and spent last week and today getting some tests done to rule out things like deep vein thrombosis.
Friday afternoon, I somewhat grudgingly coughed up a couple hundred dollars to get an ultrasound done of my leg. I couldn’t see the screen or understand what the beeps and sounds meant as the medical staff moved their wand all around my leg. In that moment I felt a bit helpless and scared. I closed my eyes and prayed and tried to acknowledge to God I knew he was in control and if there was something there (like a blood clot) that it was His will for me and I’d accept that. More like I prayed that several times until my mind and heart were at the same place.
Today I woke up extra early to get a blood panel drawn to help rule other things out. I was there an hour before work started. Did I get done in time to clock in at start time? Nope. One hour and a half. That’s how long it took to get my blood drawn. And with a baby needle.
But I emailed HR from the waiting room and told them my situation and they said do not worry. Just like when a simple doctor visit last week turned into needing more time off for imaging. They have been so understanding. God is helping me in the details.
My brother is still suffering from his brain injury.
My newborn nephew is still needing to gain weight to get back to his birth weight.
My SIL is dealing with healing from birth, a newborn, and a husband with a brain injury.
And who knows what my health issue is.
One of my old church acquaintance’s husband is dealing with cancer right now. He went to the doctor to discuss migraines and found out it was much more than a migraine and is now in treatment for cancer. They have a friend who made bracelets to help raise some money and remind people to pray for him and the family. On it is stamped, “But if not He is still good.” It is not a direct phrase from scripture but is a coined rephrasing from a passage in Daniel.
Last night I picked up that bracelet I bought and meditated on the words and also prayed for them. Do I believe those words? I’m learning to. I’m learning to say despite circumstances, I can see He is still good. That His plans may not make sense to me. But I can trust and acknowledge His goodness even in hard times. Even in the if nots.